By: Heidi Kwok, Staff Writer
A 92-year-old grandmother was swept off her feet earlier this morning by what bystanders initially identified as a rogue reindeer the size of a school bus skidding down Hastings Street. The oversized reindeer was first spotted by unsuspecting pedestrians at 6:00 a.m. last Wednesday. According to eyewitness statements, the reindeer had been spreading festive mayhem and destruction all across the Lower Mainland by terrorizing pedestrians and treating the city as its own personal, giant ice skating rink. While terribly shaken up, Grandma, thankfully, survived the ordeal with only a few minor bruises.
It was only after closer inspection by transit police at a roadside safety stop that the “reindeer” was revealed to be an R5 RapidBus completely dolled up, from roof to bumper, in Christmas decorations. The reindeer bus was released for good behaviour from the TransLink bus depot last week. In its new–found freedom, it has reportedly developed a particular fondness for barreling through puddles next to sidewalks and drenching defenceless young children, elderly dog walkers, and anyone holding a cup of coffee. The grandmother in question had been minding her own business, carrying out her sacred duty of handing out homemade gingerbread cookies to her neighbours, when the bus scooped her up along for a merry sleigh ride. She had fallen and couldn’t get up.
Throughout the week, early-morning commuters caught fleeting glimpses of the bus as it was busy breaking speed limits and openly taunting transit police by recklessly weaving through traffic. Meanwhile, in the late evenings, the bus either prowled the streets in search of its next victim or lurked silently in dark alleyways, its presence betrayed only by the flickering incandescent LED Christmas lights that cast a sickly, morbid glow against the pavement.
For the unlucky few who witnessed the creature up close, their souls were forever scarred. In a poor imitation of a reindeer, the bus sported soulless, unblinking eyes, and an overinflated red nose so garish that it brought Pennywise the Clown to shame. A towering set of twisted antlers, unmistakably evocative of Krampus, completed the set-up.
When finally detained and questioned by authorities, the reindeer bus insisted it was acting in self-defense. It claimed to have escaped the elf overlords at the TransLink headquarters and accused the transit company’s CEO of sitting on a “throne of lies.” The bus refused to cooperate further without a lawyer and union representative present.
Meanwhile, Grandma led an army of bingo-night seniors down Hastings Street to restore her dignity by unleashing a wave of fury rarely seen (except during annual Black Friday lineups at the local big box retailer). They mapped the reindeer bus’s common escape routes and eventually ambushed it outside an auto shop, where it had stopped momentarily to gaze wistfully at the new line of Slip&Slide 4000 platinum fitted tires. To the bus’ dismay, the seniors descended on the bus, delivering swift whacks to the exterior using everything from floral-printed walkers to umbrellas and dentures.
