By: Zainab Salam, Sand Excavator
Mission report: Desert Day 1
Subject: Bringing Civilization™ to the so-called Orient.
“Girl, we going to Islam?” That is what I asked my adjutant upon dismounting the camel. He nodded gravely. Neither of us knew exactly where the country of Islam was located, but it seemed vast enough to cause me to ponder for about 6 or 7 minutes. I landed on the idea that we would stumble upon it . . . eventually.
Once I entered the tent, I was greeted with suspicious glances from the Bedouins. To calm them down, I then declared my heritage: “Do not fear me, people. I am from Civilization™!” I made sure to place a heavy emphasis on the capital C. It had the desired effect — they incredulously laughed at me. I should note that they laughed at me, due to their cultural teachings that encourage being welcoming towards your superiors by laughing at them. It is their Muslimanity’s teachings.
For efficiency, I requested to speak with their leader. A Bedouin man with warm brown eyes emerged from the back room of the linoleum-floor tent. When I explained to him that his tribe had insulted a person from Civilization™, he replied, “Ma’am, this is a Wendy’s.” Turns out I had been queuing at a Wendy’s the entire time. Ah, my diet was about to be ruined!
But that was yesterday. Today is a new day!
Upon embarking on my new mission today, I met three merchants. One of them does not appear to be of the Muslimanity faith. He was pale and had blue eyes. I believe he might have been a covert Civilization™ personnel. I winked at him, but he was deep undercover and acted confused. That behaviour had me nodding sagely. His faithfulness to our Civilization™ will be reported to my superiors upon my return to base.
Later that evening, I attempted to ride a camel into the sunset for dramatic effect. The camel threw me into the sand. I concluded this was a symbolic gesture of respect. This is an odd land: just yesterday, a local decided to honour me by lifting the entrance cloth off the tent. I had to explain to him that I am but a regular Civilization™ person. He looked at me weirdly and said, “I am literally camping. No — this isn’t my home — can you please leave me alone?” Silly commoner. Camping doesn’t exist outside of Civilization™! This is literally cultural appropriation.
As the sun set, I posed dramatically against the dunes. I am sure history will remember me fondly — I will be remembered as the bridge between our Civilization™ and their tribes. I am the main character!
Mission report ends. Glory begins. I know my work here will grant me a book deal. My life story will be turned into a Hollywood movie, where I will be played by a blonde actress with piercing blue eyes. Naturally, the locals will be played by ethnically ambiguous and amateur actors, but who cares? Huzzah!
