By: Thievius Raccoonus, SFU Student
UmbraCity has set up its oddly dystopian-looking kiosks across Vancouver, allowing consumers to rent umbrellas when unexpected rain decides to fuck up their day. The Canadian company has been putting the “EH” in umbrella ella since 2015. Thanks to UmbraCity, Vancouverites can stay dry and cool or prevent people from getting near them (umbrellas make good weapons).
It remains a bit of a mystery when UmbraCity hit SFU campuses. It feels like these kiosks are slowly multiplying by the day, almost as if every corner you turn, they will appear. It leads one to wonder, how many people want to rent umbrellas? In a city where the rain is just as unpredictable as our hockey team, aren’t we all prepared for the rain? I approach all Canucks games optimistically, but brace myself for potential last-minute disappointment. I think about the weather the same way, so I keep an umbrella on me, even when it’s not raining. So why would renting an umbrella be a good business model?
At first, I thought UmbraCity was a money laundering scheme, but after some digging around, I have uncovered something quite sinister . . .
UmbraCity is trying to slowly build an umbrella monopoly. They know we all depend on umbrellas. After interviewing a whistleblower, it was revealed to me that the company’s plan is broken up into three phases:
- Introduce the ridiculous idea of renting umbrellas
- Push policymaking to a point where owning umbrellas is illegal
- Make everyone dependant on renting umbrellas
This dystopian business model is materializing right under our noses and speaking up may result in more than just some shade. Forcing people to rent umbrellas kills umbrella diversity. We may be approaching a reality where the only shield against the rain comes in the colour yellow. Say goodbye to cute Hello Kitty umbrellas that WE all love and BUY (not just me).
Renting umbrellas is an unreasonable expense. If you can’t afford to rent an umbrella, might as well accept that you will get soaked. There are serious concerns around staying protected, especially in alleys. People urinate there and that puts those of us without an umbrella at risk. Right? Being afraid of being peed on is something WE can ALL relate to. Can we rely on UmbraCity to keep us dry?
The whistle blower informed me that anyone that speaks up is putting their lives at risk. There is an Umbrella syndicate, killing anyone that questions the company. They are literally dead set on their monopoly. As of now, five people from the company have mysteriously disappeared . . . Where are they now? Are their organs recycled into the very fabric of the banal yellow umbrellas that multiply by the day? It’s time we start asking questions and ensure we stop the rise of umbrella fascism.
