By: C Icart, Humour Editor
Dear diary,
Today, I watched a reel of a mother telling her daughters to go outside via a parody of Jojo Siwa’s “Karma.” Although I’d like to flatter myself and say that sentence would give a Victorian child a stroke, I know they consumed opium when they weren’t busy working 13-hour days. I get to thank Mina Le’s 32-minute video essay for that.
Back to “Karma” . . . Diary, girl, I have ants in my apartment and as a vegan I’m legally obligated to name them. I have chosen to name each one Teddy, Freddy, or Eddy. Just need to get a temporary tattoo of them on my arm to complete the fantasy. No wait, I was trying to tell you I think I should go outside. I’m not like a brain doctor or anything but not going outside for three days in a row is probably why I was elected mayor of SadTown (not to be confused with SadVille or SadCounty).
But diary, there’s no Internet outside. I mean there could be, but my phone is on 2%. When you’re walking outside, Barbra Streisand does not come up to you and say: “Give him my regards, did you take Ozempic?” Which would be an offensive thing to say, but definitely something I could make a TikTok about.
Anyway, I’m already doing so many other things for my mental health like taking my Prozac and it’s not causing me to sweat as much as it used to #IYKYK. So I’ve changed my mind. Going outside sucks! I don’t understand how going outside more could make me happier if no one outside gets my references. For example, no one outside is getting @communist_veggietales content recommended to them. It is so incredibly cringe for me to say that I’m not like other girls so I won’t . . . I’ll imply it.
Ugh, I knew writing down my thoughts would help. I’ve basically figured my whole life out in these past few sentences. The key steps to taking my happiness to the next level aka serotoninmaxxing are: 1. Locking in. More specifically, locking the fuck in. 2. Yapping. Oversharing is so in this summer. Gen Z loves it. Also, people on the bus need to know that vegetables don’t exist. 3. Comment “amen” under an AI generated image on Facebook.
TTYL diary (see what I did there? a little Y2K hommage).
P.S. @whoever is reading my diary right now, you’re welcome. It’s a lot better than Caroline Calloway’s book. I’d tell you to read it to fact check me, but if you buy it, you may never receive it, I fear. It’s called Scammer for a reason! (Yes, I watched D’Angelo Wallace’s two and a half hour video essay on it).
