By: C Icart, Humour Editor
An NYT Connections a day keeps the brain rot at bay. However, it may tear your family apart. It’s true! My barber’s gynecologist’s first cousin three times removed divorced her wife because she found out she was “cheating” by Googling the definitions of the words while solving the puzzle. There are so many more stories exactly like this, and I have compiled the testimonies.
My name is Sam, and I am a victim of NYT Connections. I had never failed a single one until that terrible, terrible day in March. Breaking is the word that CNN puts in front of every news story to discourage people from changing the channel. Breaking is NOT an Olympic sport! Okay, technically it is but in this part of the world, we say break dancing and I still believe I should be entitled to financial compensation.
My name is Ahmed and I used to be happy. That was before NYT Connections. Now, I spend my days feeling inadequate because I don’t know the names of movie directors. Purple used to be my favourite colour and now, I can’t stand it. The only Carpenter I know has no time to be on a Connections board; she’s working late because she’s a singer. I will be in touch with my lawyer. I believe I have a case for an emotional distress lawsuit.
3. My name is Vanessa and my complaint is a bit different. I think the government should pass a law that makes it illegal to talk about the Connections in public until 9:00 p.m. Ears are curious organs that humans cannot just turn off at will. Being able to meaningfully engage in the cultural phenomenon that is Connections should be a human right. Logically, it follows that spoiling the Connections for other people in your community is impeding on their Charter rights. When you’re at the grocery store or on transit or in class, you don’t know who has and has not completed their daily riddle ritual. Please sign my petition to help enact real positive change in this country and punish those who are a menace to our collective well-being.
If any of these stories resonated with you and you would like to be included in a class action lawsuit please visit the website www.I’mMadAtNYTConnectionsBecauseIWasClickingTooFastAndDidNotSeeTheOneAwayNotification.com and join the movement today.
