By: Maya Beninteso, Peak Associate
Dear pitiful student enrolled in CLAS 101,
Greetings, my name is Maya. Goodness, would I hate to be you. I’m not quite sure if you’re aware, but this course puts the “ass” in CLAS(S) 101. Have no fear, today is your lucky day. I’m privy to insider knowledge — knowledge that will inevitably possess you to drop the class (definitely not because I took the class before . . . and have to retake it).
#1 The class is in-person
Hear me out. PLEASE. I HAVE BEEN ON WAITLIST POSITION 1 FOR THE LAST THIRTEEN DAYS. Yes, having an in-person class provides you with “face-to-face” instruction, but it also means being face-to-face. Let’s be honest here. There’s nothing more brutal than having to go to class, sitting down for up to three hours, and attempting to scribble down everything the professor is saying. That requires effort, attention . . . and care. Why on earth would you commute all the way to campus only to go to class? Why waste time commuting and, further to that, putting effort into looking like a presentable human being? Do yourself, and your confidence, a favour and save your #CuteFits for people that care.
#2 The seats in the lecture hall creak
Trust me, there’s nothing more embarrassing than adjusting your seating position and having the chair creak so loud the entire lecture hall is staring at you. Of course I have. Every. single. seat. fucking. creaks. ALL OF THEM. There is no escaping it and, if you take this class, it is coming for you, too. Because you’re young and think you’re invincible, you might just believe it won’t happen to you but — spoiler alert — it will. However, if you happen to not be ridden with social anxiety (lucky, you), then might I point out how annoying hearing a cacophony of creaks during lecture will be? Shall we do the math?
There are 150 students enrolled in the course (but only 120 will attend lectures, let’s be honest here), which means there will be, at least, 120 instances of creaking because no one sits entirely still for over two hours. Imagine you’re trying to listen to the prof — creak. Imagine you’re trying to write down an explanation that isn’t on the slide — creak. Imagine you’re trying to remember your questio — creak. I think you get it no — creak.
#3 The class is 2:30pm–5:20pm
This is, in my opinion, the worst time to have a lecture. Why, you may ask? Because, it is too early in the day to do anything productive before class, and finishes too late to do anything after class. Don’t you want to get a head start on your day, like a productive person? Don’t you want the same life as those people that wake up at the crack of dawn to go to a sweaty commercial gym and drink your sludgy protein shake in those annoying shaker tumblers? Don’t you want to embody the “that girl” aesthetic? I know it’s too late for New Year’s resolutions, but it’s never too late to be that girl. I want to be that girl too . . . ANYWAYS, imagine all of the free time you’ll have in the evening. Whether you just want to kick back and watch a movie, or actually go out with your friends who you never see.
I never do see them.
#4 The professor curves the class
Oh my goodness! They actually curve the class up, what a nice professor . . . right? Wrong. You want to know what’s disheartening? Getting a raw 80% and being curved down to a C because the average grade was a 95%. If you do end up taking the class (and taking an L, in my opinion), look around when you’re in lecture. Those people are your competition. May the odds be ever in your favour, because your grade will be dependent on how well you do in relation to the class, not based on how well you do as an individual. Do you want all of your hard work to be for nothing . . . More importantly, do I want all of my work to be for nothing?
#5 There is a 4-page paper
Believing shorter papers are easier is the number one mistake you can make. Shorter doesn’t mean less work, it means being more concise . . . which ends up being more work. If the paper is longer and you’re below the word count, there are hacks and phrases to increase your word count. Unfortunately for you, there aren’t any “hacks” to decrease your word count. You simply hope that you cut out the less relevant information, while keeping the important information.
Wait . . . everything I’m saying is true. This class is horrible, in more ways than one (five, to be precise, but who bothers to count things.) I don’t want to commute to class on a crowded bus that’s rarely reliable. I’m talking to you, R5.
I want to see my friends in the evening and be that girl in the morning. I don’t want to be compared to others and, most importantly, I want to be able to ramble with bullshit on an 8-page paper (because who wants to edit a small paper over and over.) You can have your seat in CLAS 101 because I’m taking a different class this semester and it’s called METIME101.
Look what you made me do,
Maya
