Written by Paige Riding, News Writer

Aries: How’s that “grass is greener on the other side” mindset going for you now? Take the time to forgive yourself for that compulsory Amazon purchase. Which one, you ask? Maybe the one that didn’t help you build your alternate reality. But you’re used to those.

Taurus: It’s your time to shine, Taurus. Utilize your season to explore new artistic endeavours. Try recording yourself banging your head against the window, since you can’t go out, and play that instead of the three albums you’ve had on a loop for weeks. And that to-do list you have? It needs you — you don’t need it.

Gemini: Never one to settle, this pandemic proves extra confusing for you, Gemini. Just continue festering in that one confusing or uncomfortable moment on which your mind never stops dwelling. It provides some stability for you — for once.

Cancer: Quarantine provides you more of what you want: time for introspection. Like repeating laps in a Mario Kart race, you will almost certainly run into a banana peel around the same place each time. But at least you would look mysterious and hot doing it.

Leo: You’ve been holding on to the memories of a situation you will never be able to revisit. But there’s no point ruminating on it; nothing will change. Whether you’re playing an old favourite video game nonstop or trying to remake that childhood meal that sends you back to the early 2000s, your memories will always show everyone liking you way more than they actually did.

Virgo: You may be considering a chaotic quarantine makeover of sorts, whether it be on your body or in your surroundings. With stick-and-pokes being too risky (or are they?) and cutting your hair being too cliché, you’re better off embracing your inner anarchist and making over your governmental system.

Libra: Whatever you do, don’t open Omegle like you did years ago. As you probably already know, the rare validation from strangers does not outweigh the amount of dicks you’ll see. Try The Sims instead. At least there you can have a person in your life who listens even after you set their kitchen on fire.

Scorpio: It’s just you, your water bottle, and the dust bunny collection on your windowsill against the world. For their sake and yours, keep working as hard as you always do: just enough to stay hydrated, but not enough to clean up your life.

Sagittarius: They don’t call you a mutable sign for nothing. You don’t listen to a thing your friends tell you. You can mute anyone at any time — except that voice in the back of your head telling you to listen to Twice, just this once.

Capricorn: You joke with your friends that you grew up to become Squidward — sarcastic, witty, and the best part of the show. In reality, you’re Mr. Krabs. No, not just for the money factor. You just have a weird laugh.

Aquarius: Some call you detached from many emotions, while others say you are obsessive once you become interested in someone or something that piques your short attention span. One thing is certain: quarantine is showing you that hiding your tears by crying in the shower doesn’t hit the same when there’s nowhere else you could really be instead.

Pisces: Desiring the satisfaction of feeling accomplished, you may begin feeling burnt out due to limited opportunities being presented to you. Just keep pursuing that quarantine hobby. You swore you would, even though posting about your Etch A Sketch masterpieces on social media doesn’t feel as rewarding as talking about them in the AQ.