Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

Aries — March 21–April 19

This week, you’re tempted to drop projects that have no fruitful end in sight — for example, your annoying friends. Resist the impulse. Your long-term investments will pay off; your bullying and condescension will upgrade your clueless cohort. 

Taurus — April 20–May 20

Everyone calls you a loyal friend. But you’re loyal to one thing and one thing only: your phobia of confrontation, particularly confronting your “loved” ones about how repulsive you find them. This week, it’s time to accept the truth: you are a pretentious snob elitist with bad breath and badder communication.

Gemini — May 21–June 20

They say there’s two sides to every story. So before you hate yourself forever for what you’ve done wrong, take a moment to check in with yourself about why you chose to steal that man’s drink off the Starbucks bar. Maybe it was a political statement in defiance of the Starbucks mobile order, a protest against the hyper-convenience used to manufacture consent to a neoliberal world. 

Cancer — June 21–July 22

Your job this week is to do nothing and look cute. Not whatever your angry manager is claiming your job is supposed to be. 

Leo — July 23–August 22

Descend down to the bustling Metro Vancouver masses this week and dispel the legends that surround you. Though you enjoy being at the centre of a mythology, it’s no good for people to be whispering that you marinate and eat any worshippers who approach.

Virgo — August 23–September 22

Glow with everflowing love this week. Love for humanity . . . love for your community . . . love for Pokémon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire Versions. They are the superior 3DS Pokémon gaming titles and they will heal your twisted, jaundiced heart.

Libra — September 23–October 22

It’s true that you’re a natural at everything you do. Like lying to your friends and family about your (lack of) feelings and waterboarding people. But this week in particular, you must be careful not to rest on your laurels. Someone in your circle is coming to dethrone you and you need to identify them, fast, and take them out before they prove to the world that they have even less empathy than you do.

Scorpio — October 23–November 21

Eat the SFSS for clear skin this week.

Sagittarius — November 22–December 21

There’s a sweet side to you, under all the toxic behaviour you pretend to regret in your daily life. That sweet side is something that you might not even know about or recognize within yourself: a gentle affection for euhaplorchis californiensis. Inject those cuties into your veins. 

Capricorn — December 22–January 19

You’ll be confronted by your destiny this week. And I don’t get paid enough to suss out what said destiny will be, honestly. You Capricorns are literally the most random, tempestuous, opportunity-snatching people I’ve ever met. Go send an SFU Mail and stop wasting my time. 

Aquarius — January 20–February 18

You can’t afford real crystals from Granville Island. So take this week to buy and line your bed with juice crystals from the nearest convenience store. Purify your energies and putrefy as ants come to devour your saccharine body while you sleep in yet again. 

Pisces — February 19–March 20

This is another fragile week for you. Just cry. A lot. And drink your own tears to satisfy your thirst.