By: Yelin Gemma Lee, Peak Associate
Cringe Court Transcript:
Judge: Alright, now that the Jury has been sworn in, we can move on to the questions. You are being charged with illegal associations with early 2000s emo culture — how do you plead?
Me: Your honour, there has been a huge misunderstanding! My emo years are long gone–
Judge: Do you have evidence that your record-breaking streak of consecutive years of “emo life” is not an ongoing pattern, a pattern that will continue to bring shame to the proud colonial country of Canada?
Me: Yes — as you can see, I’m wearing an impressive-looking suit, I listen to top-100 music on Canadian radio, and I only read books by Margaret Atwood!
Judge: Go on…
Me: I’ve been a model citizen since the last time I was here, and my roommates can vouch that they haven’t heard anything along the lines of “Bring Me The Horizon” nor “My Chemical Romance” blasting through the house the way I used to crank them up every night!
Judge: it says here that just last week you were found “crying uncontrollably on the floor of the bathroom to ‘Welcome to the Black Parade,’ writing a letter to MCR in a black Sharpie all over your shower wall, demanding to know the real reason why they broke up.”
Me: … I didn’t know you knew that — which roommate was it? It was Nancy, wasn’t it? God, she’s such a–
Judge: *clears throat* And, there’s more. In your court mandated group therapy with “Musically Misguided,” you came in dressed suspiciously in all black with Avril Lavigne circa 2007 makeup. You made three grown men cry in the waiting room by hissing at them when they looked at you.
Me: I didn’t beat them up in the back alley this time, so isn’t that a testament of progress?
Judge: …Are you or are you not wearing a wig right now to hide your “scene hair with blue highlights” you swore in your court statements you’d cut since your first trial?
Me: Of course not! That was a wig — and I was going to a Halloween costume party! If that’s a crime, then why are the white frat boys not getting punished as severely as me for dressing up in other cultures and races?
Judge: Because they’re white men, and they have bright futures ahead of them.
Judge: and what do you do now in place of your emo tendencies?
Me: I read a lot of books about the American Dream by white men instead of poetry books about depression, and I never even look into Hot Topic when I go in the mall. I burned all the black clothes and studded accessories I own and took down all my selfies of me holding up pieces of paper with ‘Panic! At the Disco’ lyrics on them.
Judge: Hmm . . . I do have witness documents supporting your progress in the rehabilitation program. I’m going to recommend to let you off on one more warning and 100 hours of community service with Musically Misguided where you will help them cut up emo CDs–
Me: 100 hours! That’s ridicul–
Judge: *impatient* BUT ONE MORE WRONG TURN, and I assure you ma’am, the jury will not be so lenient with your punishment for REPEATED criminal offense. That will be all. Court adjourned.
