By: Gabrielle McLaren
1351: Man living his best life taps tree and decides to boil sap on a dare. Discovers how to make maple syrup, changing the pancake game forever.
1400: All is well. The moose just had a baby boom. The bears have settled The Grizzli Wars.
1503: Trudeau family dynasty prophesied to reign as Prime Minister for many moons by a glowing beaver crawling out of a creek. Local Cree nations have no idea what the fuck this means.
1532: Jacques Cartier promises to pay back an Algonquin Chief for his half of their Uber ride and never does, setting the premise for a long history of broken white promises.
1567: British forces abandon hopes of militarizing pinecones in an attempt to accelerate conquest.
1602: Early settlers begin storing milk in plastic bags for safekeeping during long canoe expeditions.
1742: “O Canada” drunkenly composed at a lumberjack camp.
1754: Canadian man first to coin the term “sorry.”
1755: British soldier does not say sorry while deporting the Acadians from New Brunswick.
1763: French nobles are relieved after getting kicked out of North America by British forces, since Québec isn’t picking up any fashion or pâtisserie skills. While wondering what they’ll do with their free time now, they die in the Revolution.
1812: Canadians burn down the White House since Canada is totally a real country by now.
1845: Man on Franklin Expedition drops coffee overboard and invents the Iced Capp.
1867: Britain decides to let colonies have a playdate at Charlottetown and realizes with surprise that they’re actually kind of competent and self-sufficient. Like a surprisingly good art project that your Mom kept on the fridge, Canada is born.
1889: Sir John A Macdonald and Sir George-Étienne Cartier discovered having a torrid affair — in Macdonald’s own house. Damn.
1903: Half of Prince Edward Island breaks off, leaving Canada with a teeny tiny province.
1918: Civilians dying of the Spanish flu refuse life-saving vaccine as civilization crumbles around them immediately following the First World War, citing fear of autism and wishes to live a clean, holistic life cycle.
1921: Men accidentally elect first woman to Parliament on a dare and are horrified to learn that women are politically literate and competent beings.
1924: Economy doing great! Loonie never been stronger!
1938: Two men finally break vicious cycle of holding door for each other for the last twelve years.
1939: Oh fuck.
1950: Denim suit adopted as national dress.
1962: First American movie producer discovers just how much cheaper it is to shoot in Canada.
1965: Parliament adopts the current Canadian flag, once Lester B Pearson’s drawing of an American flag with a big ‘X’ in it is deemed impolite.
1990: First Walmart in Canada opens. Attempts at national identity are abandoned entirely.
2003: Avril Lavigne deemed national treasure by Heritage Canada.
2018: Québec tries to leave Canada again, calling Tim Hortons’ new poutine a blatant cultural disrespect.
