Where your SFU tuition dollars REALLY go

Illustration by Emma Wu

You know that you just emptied your wallet and your savings recently on tuition, but do you know where the money that would’ve allowed you to enjoy the many joys of proper nutrition went?  If you’d like to find out where the dollars that you wasted spent rationally went, read on!

SFU admins dive into the money

This is what we all imagine rich people do with copious amounts of dough — which the rest of us can only have wet dreams about. With all the money from tuition clearly not going back to the students, logically this must be what SFU’s ever-richer admins are up to. It’s a pity they’re all too uninventive to spend their money on anything actually interesting (like a dog water park with dog accessible waterslides. Or, you know, the school.)

Constant construction

You know how it seems like there’s always construction on campus? Well, that’s because SFU isn’t actually building anything, they’re just paying for perpetual construction (but not perpetual maintenance. RIP Louis Riel House.) It’s all part of an elaborate scheme to shake the brains of students so they just keep forgetting things and keep having to take the same stupid courses over and over again, even if it was just a geography credit they didn’t even want to take in the first place, but their stupid second-minor required it.

An emergency plan detailing what to do in the scenario when black bears overtake the Burnaby campus

SFU admins were inspired to draw up this emergency plan after seeing Rising Dawn of War of the Dawning on Rising War on the Planet of the Apes in theatres. The university deemed this to be the most important emergency situation to address. So the next time you’re trapped on the mountain, freezing in the winter snow, and waiting for SFU to figure its shit out, you can be comforted by the fact that you probably won’t have to witness the campus being overthrown by bears. Probably.

Building FEWER parking lots

You heard me right. While other universities might use your tuition to attempt to fix issues like the lack of parking spaces on campus, SFU actually spends your money scientifically decreasing the number of parking spaces on campus without actually reducing the physical space devoted to parking lots. The physics is hard, but SFU is clearly committed to the cause.

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