By: Gabrielle McLaren
As a surprising breath of fresh air following years of mismanagement and incompetence that have led to the only bar on the SFU campus to shut down after years of . . . Where was I going with this? Right. The SFU administration has been surprisingly quick in releasing their new plan for the SFU-Not-SFSS-God-Oh-God-Not-Again Food and Beverage Services.
The Highland Pub will be replaced by a liquor store, so you can take your alcohol, go home, and drink in bed. “The administration feels that this is what the students really want, anyways,” SFU Dining Services spokesperson Wendy McDonald commented.
Also, T&A would like to add that the shop is actually a ‘garden’ not a ‘shop’ because all ingredients are grown in-store to reflect local flora, in hopes that “every cup of tea will remind students that their body is a garden, not a graveyard, and it is to be treasured and tended to.” T and A, the entrepreneurs behind this project, appear to have no other names. They added that, “We don’t want to define this space, but we’re here to provide SFU with an off-grid source and a place of nonconformity which nonetheless encourages creativity and connection with your true self.” The Peak was unable to gain further insight into what the shop (garden) will actually be serving — or the price.
Since nothing can replace The Ladle and their delicious soups, SFU has opted to provide students with 50% off coupons for Campbell’s canned soups and call it quits. (Coupons may only be redeemed during the fall welcome week of your first year).
Tim Hortons will continue to run uninterrupted, and will do so until the end of time as we know it so that the cockroaches may feast on leftover maple-dip donuts and bagel crumbs once the nuclear apocalypse has claimed us all.
A third Starbucks will come to Burnaby Mountain. This one will be conveniently placed in the Maggie Benston Centre, to make quick dashes from the library more convenient and to satisfy lazy walkers who don’t want to make their way to Cornerstone or to West Mall Centre. This particular location will be stocked with SFU-themed secret menu items like the “First-Year-Tears Frappuccino” which the first few reviewers have dubbed “. . . unique” while also asking, “How can whipped cream be so salty?” Try it with almond milk at no extra cost.
On-campus catering services will now be run by a small legion of house elves, led by the Petter house elf Doddy, who has been loyally serving SFU President Andrew Petter and his family for nine generations. Clad in a washed-out SFU T-shirt (first edition, 1965) that’s stained in multiple places, Doddy the house elf told The Peak that, “Doddy is excited to serve the SFU community on top of serving the SFU Master, Master Petter.” Negotiations are currently underway to confirm whether or not the house elves will be donning waiter uniforms while performing their duties.
