Listen single people, I know February is seen as a month-long Greek tragedy, but the truth is that this is a celebration of you, yourself, and all the money you’re going to save. There’s nothing that says “Happy Valentine’s to me” more than a few extra bucks in your wallet (you know, just in case bae cheaps out on you). So here’s how to be a good old-fashioned cheapskate the romantic way.
Flowers
Nope. Bae’s just going to have to hope that the most paralyzing blizzard in Vancouver history makes itself scarce in time for a couple of dandelions to grow. Maybe you could pick some edelweiss and other mountain-y wildflowers in between classes at Burnaby, should the buses manage to crawl their way up that sucker in time for V-Day.
Chocolate
Get out of buying that stuff by making an ethical issue out of it! Didja know that the word “bonbon” comes from what spoiled French princes and duke-lings said when they got their first taste of chocolate — which conquistadors brought to Europe after slaughtering the Aztecs? Viva la révolution. You too can build a barricade, sing some hella dramatic ensemble numbers, and join the revolution by saying no to the food of sin.
Romantic Dinners
Ramen: $0.99 a pack.
Parsley to garnish: $1.47 a bunch.
For an extra special night, eat out of clean dishes instead of guesstimating which of your bowls look the least like breeding grounds for undiscovered fungi.
Cards
Cards are just pretty money-holders — kind of like a hotdog bun that nobody cares about. We’ve already established that money is being kept out of the picture here, so cards are definitely irrelevant.
Giant Stuffed Animals
Let’s break down the purpose of the giant furry mass in which you’re considering investing. What is bae going to do with that? Cuddle (hopefully). You know what else bae can cuddle with? You. And if your relationship is legal, access to you is free. Don’t forget: if you guys break up, that teddy bear is just going to get its head ripped off and tossed down a garburator.
Jewelry
Make something out of macaroni and beads, spritz some glitter on top, and claim it has sentimental value. Bae can’t fight you on “sentimental value,” so you, my friend, are officially off the hook.
Lingerie
Listen, if bae can deal with you in your laundry-day undies, you’ve already got ‘em locked and loaded. Why are you creating problems for yourself?
Romantic Getaways
Dude, if you weren’t going to scrape together the money for the corpses of some colourful vegetation, how did you even remember that Paris existed? Why are you even reading this? If you got here, you’re totally going to spoil your significant other; don’t lie. And you know what, if they deserve you, they deserve some of Switzerland’s main export.
If they really deserve you, you guys say “I love you” more than once a year, and you don’t need to break yourself in two over one extra day that’s only special because your calendar told you so. Forget tradition. Netflix and chill on Cupid’s birthday, and let’s just go on loving each other and ourselves like business as usual.
