ARIES:

You’ve been a bit off the handle recently, Aries. Do you remember that alarmingly dramatic incident where you nearly lost your pinky toe? Of course you don’t, you silly drunk bitch. It’s time to step back and clean up your cum-stained life.

TAURUS:

Keep your eyes open for betrayal, Taurus. You’ve been an asshole recently and honestly it would be surprising if someone didn’t stab you in the back. Bad shit will probably definitely happen to you, and it’s totally your fault. The stars aren’t taking any responsibility for this shit. Maybe you should apologize to that family — especially the baby.

GEMINI:

This is the time to be bold, Gemini. You should try that butt thing with the assorted vegetables that you’ve always dreamt about. (Cook the squash for an extra good time.)

LEO:

Keep close to family this week, Leo. Rich family members die all the time — it’s important to forge relationships now, before it’s too late.

CANCER:

This will be a week of great realization for you, Cancer.  Your inevitable death has been staring you in the face and you’re beginning to comprehend the insignificance of your implausibly limited life.  You should probably go enjoy some screaming in a forest, or do a copious amount of drugs. Drugs always help.

VIRGO:

You’ve been too bent on responsibility recently, Virgo. Loosen that bonnet of yours and flash those dutiful titties.  You’ll never relax with that gigantic stick permeating your ass (not in the fun way). Be a destructive fuck and disrespect all forms of responsibility in favour of sweaty, chaotic, and unholy times. You’ll thank yourself later — but definitely only after the worst hangover of your life.


LIBRA:

It’s time for you to move forward, Libra. You’ve been stuck in a rut since your piece of shit ex treated you like trash, but you deserve to be a free bitch. Moving forward requires closure, and your ex’s big black compensation for his dick size is parked within your reach. Your lucky numbers this week are a container of gasoline and a box of matches.


SCORPIO:

You can’t have everything you want, Scorpio. This week will be all about learning balance. You need to learn how to balance how much time you spend grovelling in your own filth while watching BoJack Horseman and weeping openly with how much time you actually spend being a productive human. You gotta start human being instead of human contributing-nothing-to-society. People count on you Scorpio; stop spending the entire day with your vibrator.

SAGITTARIUS:

This is the week for you to tell the truth, Sagittarius.  You’re constantly keeping your barriers up and masking the truth since you’re too afraid to open up. It’s that, or you’re just a manipulative petty dickshit that likes to stir the pot. Either way — you need to learn to open up, learn to be vulnerable, and stop being a good-for-nothing cunt that ruins everything by lying all the time.


CAPRICORN:

This is the time for you to focus, Capricorn. All of your energy needs to be channeled to important goals like getting your pubes dyed, or finding out how many chicken nuggets you can forcefully shove into your disgusting gob. Maybe both.


AQUARIUS:

Before you spend any time being productive today, Aquarius, you should consider giving up. Productivity implies work, and hard work is the evil that drives capitalism. You’re better than that. Consider mooching off your parents, or any schmuck you can con into being your provider.


PISCES:

You’re anxious and jittery to get moving, Pisces, but this is the time to be patient.  Good things come to those who wait and you should just wait it all out forever. Sit on a chair, get cozy, then wait until death comes and peace washes over your repugnant body — deformed by the stresses of existing. Good things definitely come to those who wait, and if you’re patient enough, the sweet departure of your soul from your body will finally come.