Woohoo: Ponytails

Fun, flirty and flouncy — the ponytail is a hairdo classic. Yank that mop up into a high ponytail and you’ll look like an adorable helicopter, ready to take off into a clear sky of sassy fashion. Try a low ponytail to resemble a sweet and secret seductive baker’s daughter from the Renaissance — you’ll woo knights and stable boys everywhere, and your father will make a ton of cash selling you for marriage.

The side pony-tail alternatively offers the look of an ’80s babe; try that baby out and you’ll be in for a night of Dirty Dancing and extravagantly dirty spandex. Why stop at one pony tail? Cover yourself in them! Become a contemporary piece of art by tying up your hair into multiple tiny ponytails, imitating the stark and bold fashion of a chia pet. There’s no way to go wrong with this baby. Go on, girl! Tie that hair up and look as charming as the ass of a pony.

Boohoo: Buns

What the hell is that? Is that a poorly made IKEA cinnamon bun plastered mistakenly to the top of your head? Did you actually put a sock on your fucking head? Do you have any respect for yourself? Probably not, since it looks like a dog turd curled up on top of your head to dry up and die and you still seem to think you look cute and ‘librarian-esque.’

The bun is the Greek tragedy of hairstyles. It’s a real ‘let’s kill pops and accidently get it on with mama’ sort of deal. Even the nursery rhyme “Hot Cross Buns” is weak, paling in comparison to the all-time classic “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.” Please do yourself a favour and abandon any form of spherical hair, and graduate to other more impressive geometric shapes — try a hexagon.

My anaconda don’t want none if you’re wearing a bun, hun.