Burnaby campus revealed to be a flying fortress
[BURNABY] – SFU Burnaby recently unveiled itself as a flying mountain fortress. The project’s success was due to a collaboration between Star Wars and Star Trek fans to pursue intergalactic space travel. However, politics have prevented the school fortress from taking off, citing issues in safety. For now, students will no longer have to take the malfunctioning system of transit, as hovercraft vehicles have been made to reach the campus, which continues to be elevated in the sky. The fortress is also equipped with long-range cannons, designed to destroy even the strongest of pipeline supplies of the Kinder Morgan pipeline project.
SFU Vancouver professor slapped by pizza slices
[VANCOUVER] – An SFU Vancouver professor was baffled and awestruck when he was slapped repeatedly by pizza slices that he ordered from a nearby pizza joint. The professor reported that the pizza slices went berserk after he took a single slice from the pizza box and bit into it. The incident convinced SFU’s scientific research division to restart a late program that was built upon the theory that various food items possess a collective consciousness. The program was initially shut down back in the 1960s due to the one question that no one in the program was willing to answer: “Are you nuts?”
The City of Surrey temporarily shuts down public services
[SURREY] – After reading a book on Stoicism by William Irvine, City Counsellor Cenaka Matiisin was inspired to employ the technique of temporary self-denial on a macro scale. Matiisin denied under-appreciated public services such as public transportation, schools, parks, and recreation centres, while also increasing the cost of water and electricity.
