Earlier this week, aspiring alcoholics and people who “just know how to have a really good time” everywhere were rejoiced to learn that popular sports drink Gatorade will be the official beverage for the upcoming 2016 Hangover Games this January.
The announcement came late last Sunday afternoon, just as most of the populace were emerging from their own headache and bleary-eyed deliriums.
“This is a very special day in the history of. . . oh god, I think I’m going to puke. . . nope, we’re good,” said Bradley Sherman, a spokesperson for the 2016 Hangover Games and the self-proclaimed “king” of Flip Cup. “My head is fucking killing me. Does anyone have some Advil or an Ambien or something? Man, those tequila shots last night were a one-way ticket to Hangover City. Seriously, no one has an Advil?”
After ingesting three Tim Horton’s bacon breakfast sandwiches and sweating profusely for several minutes, Sherman went on to describe how this partnership will ensure that no fun-loving individual will ever feel like they have to face their hangover alone — because Gatorade will have their back.
“No nightstand table will remain empty; no throbbing migraine will go unkempt. This is the future we always dreamed of living in and. . . oh god, does someone have a bucket? Maybe I shouldn’t have had that last breakie sandwich.”
Following the announcement, the official Hangover Games committee wasted no time in also confirming (after months after speculation) that tiger descendent Charlie Sheen would be the first professional partier to be endorsed by Gatorade.
“It’s really a match made in post-party heaven,” said Sheen during the press conference, who was able to FaceTime from a nearby bar. “If you’re like me, your partying can get pretty hardcore. That means your hangover should be equally hardcore.”
Gatorade joins an already-illustrious list of sponsors for the 2016 Hangover Games: poutine being the official snack, and closed blinds being the preferred choice of window coverings for most partiers.
But not everyone seems to be welcoming the partnership with open arms: critics argue that the Hangover Games have become so entrenched with corporate advertising that they’ve strayed too far from the roots, which traditionally revolved around staying in bed for most of the day and contemplating whether or not to look at one’s bank account balance after the previous night.
When asked if the Gatorade partnership will have any negative repercussions on the upcoming Hangover Games, Sherman responded by asking The Peak not talk so loud and if someone could maybe dim the lights a bit.
