Woohoo: The compass

Ah, the compass; the old-school equivalent to an iPhone and the number one choice of swag for the ever-so-extravagant pirates and buccaneers of the seven seas. Who would have thought a little magnet adrift in a small saucer of water would become so intrinsically valuable in the fine art of navigation? What started as an occultist contraption dating as early as 206 BCE has now become the saving grace of novice hikers everywhere.

Though we live in an age of google maps and GPS, it is hard to deny that this meager and archaic device is still pretty damn cool. While camping and hiking gear becomes more and more high tech, a certain level of nostalgia will always be prevalent for the historically invaluable piece of technology we have come to know as the compass.

Boohoo: The Compass Card

From the same corporate nitwits who brought you inopportune track maintenance times and putridly prolonged commutes to university, I present to you the Compass Card, the most worthless piece of plastic since your maxed out credit card.

Behold TransLink’s ductile blue travesty, guaranteed to make tumultuous travel all the more odious and nonsensical. Prepare yourself for the caterwaul of conspiracy theorists as they moan that Translink is monitoring their prosaic movements throughout the lower mainland.

And accumulate a lovely grab bag of bacterial sediment as you swipe your unprotected compass card on a turnstile that has been tapped more than a promiscuous bongo drum. However, there is one bright side to all of this: you are now in the possession of something that will make your Rattata Pokémon trading card seem like a treasurable gem by comparison.