Woohoo: Hannibal

That’s right: the best show on TV that you’re still not watching is back. Get ready for another season of mouthwatering dishes made of human organs, overly stylized homoerotic tension, and Gillian Anderson being flawless.

This season, our favourite Dante-quoting, classical-music loving cannibal has settled down in Florence, where no one seems to notice he’s a wanted criminal even though it’s 2015 and the Internet has presumably posted pictures of his dreamy cheekbones on every Facebook wall and Twitter feed.

But who cares? Hannibal has never really been about believable plots — it’s about watching a suave serial killer gradually find his way into our hearts while his victims gradually find their way into his stomach. Don’t be surprised if the show’s third season ends up being its most visually striking and exciting yet, without having to resort to tired, misogynistic plot twists. Eat your heart out, Game of Thrones.

Boohoo: Hannibal

Okay, I admit it: Hannibal was pretty badass. Consistently ranked among the most talented military strategists in history — secondly only to Alexander the flipping Great — Hannibal’s exploits in the Second Punic Wars against the Roman Empire earned him his legendary status, most notably due to his march towards Rome in which he took 100,000 troops and 40 war elephants through the French Alps and almost took the capital. So you’re probably asking: how could this guy possibly count as a boohoo?

Well, if you were a Roman, you better believe Hannibal was a boohoo. Seriously: this guy posed a real threat to the most powerful empire in the world at the time, nearly capturing the city of Rome with little help from his native Carthage. When he was eventually exiled, he poisoned himself so as not to fall into enemy hands. And even after his death, Roman parents would use the story of his conquests to scare their children into behaving.

So yeah, don’t fuck with Hannibal.