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University students increasingly malnourished and underweight, according to their grandmothers

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The number of university students who are chronically underweight and aren’t eating properly is staggering, according to a study conducted by their grandmas.

According to their research — staring at you and your “loose pants” — today’s college student is not receiving nearly enough proper nutrients and should definitely take some of these leftovers with them when they leave.

“It’s absolutely astonishing how skinny these kids are when they come home,” explained Betty Green, the grandmother of two of the test subjects, SFU students John and Carol. “It’s appalling to be honest, why aren’t they having more home-cooked meals?”

Green believes that immediate action needs to be taken to help today’s youth before they “wither away and die.” 

When asked what could be done, she answered immediately, “Have a second helping, I’ve got plenty of food.”

“Eat, eat, eat,” she continued, outlining her health plan to combat the massive malnourishment problem. “I’ve got roast beef, a casserole, vegetables — you need to eat more vegetables, how often are you eating vegetables? They’re good for you, you know.”

Green’s sentiments have been echoed by grandmothers all across the country and even the world, although there have been disagreements as to the specifics of how to combat the egregious problem.

While some claim that offering another piece of lasagna is the key, others believe that filling plates with more dumplings and spring rolls will solve everything.

Although there is a split when it comes to what foods are best to return today’s starving, sickly students to prime health, there is a consensus that they should definately “come visit more often.”  

The study is expected to continue indefinitely, with grandmothers stockpiling more and more food each time subjects are in their presence and forcing upon their plates. 

The entire research is not supported by the world’s grandfathers, however, who are reportedly too busy conducting their own study on why grandmothers “can’t just leave these kids alone” and also trying to determine precisely the reason why “things aren’t the way they were when they were young.”

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society