By Gary Lim

Aries (March 21 – April 20)
Mercury is in your sign this week. Also your drinking water.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
It’s not a good idea to make any big purchases this week. So if you were thinking of buying an aircraft carrier or island nation put it off a week, okay?
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
You understand that to move ahead in the world you need to “play the game”, but not once did you think that game would be strip backgammon.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Irony strikes this week when you’re crushed to death by a safe.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Lightning never strikes twice but a downed power cable is surprisingly accurate.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept. 23)
You develop a new fetish this week, after autocorrect won’t stop changing the fucks in your sexts into ducks.
Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)
You’ve done all you can, now your ball is in their court as to whether the jury convicts you for public indecency.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)
A cruel twist of fate this week causes you to lose your phone. Meanwhile, a cruel twist of lime helps improve the flavor of your salsa.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
The stars indicate that there’s no need to worry about your check engine light. Its working fine, your engine however is about to burst into flame.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)
QUICK! DUCK! Did it work? I guess you aren’t reading this horoscope at the right time then. Try again later.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)
The cosmic forces that dictate the Universe are giving Aquarius the week off. Try not to die.
Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20)
You know what they say, you can lead a horse to water but after seven drowned horses you may want to consult a professional horse waterer.