Campus Update: July 16, 2012

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SFU voted 394th in top 1,000 over 1,000

In a recent polling conducted by popular Canadian news magazine MacLeans, SFU was ranked 394st, dropping 7 spots from its 2012 ranking. The 1,000 over 1,000 ranks the top 1,000 post-secondary insititutions situated over 1,000 feet above sea level.

The ranking draws on data from multiple sources and rates the institutions based on factors such as undergraduate satisfaction, student to instructor ratio, number of graduates produced yearly, thickness of air at peak, and height. For the past decade SFU has repeatedly failed to break the 350th mark, coming its closest in 2003 at 353rd. UBC Nepal is currently ranked 205th overall.

When questioned about the poor rating given to the school, SFU president Andrew Petter declined to comment, but was heard angrily grumbling about “it all being politics.”

 

— Henry Henderson

 

Public displays of affection banned on campus

By royal decree of Lord Petter himself, as of July 16, 2012, any and all expressions of affection between students at SFU are forthwith forbidden.

Public displays of affection, also known as PDAs, will hereby be monitored both by invisible CCTV, as well as over 150 specially trained plain-clothes PDA police patrolling the campus.

Any two caught holding hands, adorably feeding each other, or wistfully gazing, will be expelled immediately. Their transcripts will reflect a failing grade in all courses taken and all collected tuition will be rendered forfeit.

Students are encouraged to maintain a safe distance of 3 meters between each other at all times and to report any errant behaviour to one of three dozen newly erected PSA reporting stations. Conduct yourselves accordingly.

 

— Paul Hurst

 

Calendar error gives students latest possible enrollment date

While others might gripe about their July 21st, 24th or even 28th enrollment dates, complaining that by then all the good tutorials will be gone, second-year communications student Samantha Konstantina doesn’t have that luxury. Her enrollment date is August 2nd, 2016.

Due to a computer error, the automated uRecords system has set the enrollment date of the unlucky student to just over four years away, the average length of an degree at SFU.

In an official letter to Konstantina, SFU registrar writes, “Although we deeply regret the consequences of our error, it is the strictest policy of the Registrar’s Office not to change the enrollment date of any student.”

When asked if she would spend her new free time preparing for her degree by auditing classes. Konstantina responded, “No, that seems like a waste of time.”

 

– George Giordano