By Gary Lim

Tag:Freshman still totally in the dark on how universally loathed he is by university

BURNABY (B.C.) — First-year student Jeremy Richardson is reportedly still unaware of the fact that he has been made a laughing stock by the entire student population and faculty of the university several times since the beginning of the semester.

Miriam Cunningham professor of Richardson’s LING 121 class told The Peak:
“It’s really quite funny how much of a tremendous ass he’s making of himself. I mean the first day of class, he decides to speak up in his whiny little voice, ‘What will be the date of the first midterm?’.
Oh I’m sorry I guess I don’t spend several hours every semester, creating, updating and uploading a syllabus onto the course website. How mind-numbingly stupid of me.”
“Of course I didn’t actually say any of that to his face. I just smiled and calmly told him February 20. Which if I’ve timed it correctly should be the day after we’ve handed the exams back.”

Classmates of Richardson had equally disparaging comments. “Yeah, I see him sometimes running across the AQ. Looks like he’s got two classes at opposite sides of the campus or something. Total rookie mistake”, remarked Adalia Rodriguez. “He’ll be sprinting across the campus, his dopey little backpack bobbing up and down as he runs. Sometimes I’ll smile and wave while muttering under my breath, ‘Run Forrest, run’.”

The first-year boasts a lengthy list of antics that include accidentally sitting through the first 10 minutes of a fourth-year French lecture before leaving, accidentally replying all when responding to an email from his T.A. and eating at Chartwells.
But along with the aneurysm-inducing frustration that Richardson leaves in his wake, there is also some good news. With a ‘common enemy’, school spirit is at an all time high with record attendance numbers to events such as the weekly Wednesday (the only day Richardson is off campus) all-day beer garden and BBQ. The Sunday night roasts are also notoriously hard to get a reservation for.
On a related note [La Vie de Jeremie: Un Idiot] a Chaplin-style three-act comedy put on by the SFU theatre troupe is being held over at Woodward’s for a seventh week due to overwhelming public acclaim.

The Peak caught up with President Petter for his opinion on the ostracism of the student, outside of a classroom in Blusson Hall of all places.“I had to see it with my own eyes. I mean I’ve heard the stories about this kid. But because of meetings and conferences I still haven’t been able to see it for myself. Here he comes now. Ok, play it cool,” said Petter peering through the window slat in the door.
“Oh, hey. Good morning, dean.”
“And a good morning to you too, son.”
Petter then waited until Richardson had left earshot before bursting into laughter. “Dean? Dean?! I mean I figured even that fuck-face knows I’m, uh, the president of the goddamn university? Ugh, hopeless.”