Horoscopes
Horoscopes October 3 – 8
October 3, 2023Aries March 21–April 19 Alright, Aries, it’s time to get your head in the game and narrow down this roster. You’ve been scouting all summer, and it’s time to start hosting tryouts. Playoffs are just around the corner, and you know your aunt Jessica is going to ask when you’ll finally bring “someone special” around for Christmas. Since you’ve already drafted your top picks, make sure your game is strong enough to take you to the championships. Taurus April 20–May 20 Oh, Taurus, we know cuffing season can be rough. This week, try not to sweat the big stuff because…
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Horoscopes September 18 – 24
September 19, 2023I spent the past couple days watching Selling the OC trying to acquire wealth through osmosis. What out of context quote from the Selling universe will predict your week? Aries: “When in doubt, hide behind your empanadas.” — Bre Tiesi.…
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Horoscopes September 4 – 10
September 5, 2023Aries We know you’ve already created your Halloween playlist, and I can bet you anything that the Ghostbusters (1984) soundtrack is definitely on it. But do you really need to be listening to that in early September? I’m sure the…
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Horoscopes July 24 – 30
July 25, 2023Aries Thwip! Welcome to your Spiderverse era. Just like Miles, prepare to battle your parallel universe counterparts (AKA your inner demons) who are much cooler and more successful than you are. The alternate universe where you took up a career…
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Horoscopes July 10 – 16
July 10, 2023Aries: You, my friend, are going to have a dream about a flawed ostrich that knows how to fly. It insists on teaching fellow ostriches about the magic of flight, but it’s not working. The dream will end with your…
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Horoscopes June 26 – July 2
June 27, 2023Aries To all of y’all Aries who get onto buses from the Transportation Centre near the stairs and piano, y’all really need to start taking advantage of the Transit Exchange near Blusson Hall so you can get first dibs on…
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Horoscopes May 29–June 4
June 1, 2023Aries: Like a true fire sign, you will burn if you do not forward this message to everyone on your contacts list. As in, you will get a sunburn with embarrassing tan lines because you will fall asleep on the…
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Horoscopes May 23 – 28
May 22, 2023Aries - Aster You’re an aster, and you like to move faster! Every task you face is a day to race, and nobody else can match your pace. But be careful, doing everything in a hurry may cause you to…
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Horoscopes March 27–April 2
March 29, 2023Aries: Precious Aries, you deserve a companion who knows how to soothe your rage, which we have determined will be directed toward leather bus seats today. We think the kind Blissey will make you smile just by looking at her.…
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Horoscopes March 6 – 10
March 9, 2023Aries You decided to take the day off today, ‘cause you’re young, wild, and free! You need to go to Whistler to ski; you’re trying to beat that weekend rush. Your boss called you in the middle of shredding the…
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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.
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For promotional inquiries: [email protected]
Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.
For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]