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SFU hockey split road games at Selkirk

By
EIC
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0
Adam Callegari (#36) had one assist in the team’s 4–2 loss to Selkirk College.

It may have been a new year, but SFU hockey was determined to make it more of the same as in 2016. The Clan played a doubleheader against the Selkirk College Saints, defeating them 5–3 on Friday, but falling 4–2 on Saturday.

In the team’s first competitive game since December 3, the Clan relied on Scott Patterson. The Division I transfer finished the game with two goals and an assist — he now has 23 points in just 13 games played. He scored the first goal in the contest before the teams exchanged goals to end it 3–2 for SFU at the end of one. Darnel St. Pierre scored the eventual game winner in the second period before Patterson added an empty netter to seal the deal.

Special teams were a big component of the game — SFU was able to score three goals on 16 (yes, that is correct) power plays, while holding Selkirk to no goals on seven attempts with the man advantage. Lyndon Stanwood got the start, making 25 saves on 28 shots.

Unfortunately in the second game, the Clan couldn’t come up with a similar result, losing 4–2. Selkirk scored the first goal at the 8:48 mark of the first period and never really looked back — they led for the rest of the game. Patterson scored for the second straight game, and Jesse Mysiorek scored in the third to make it close.

Once again both teams had plenty of opportunities up a man, as each team had eight power plays. Selkirk scored twice with the man advantage; SFU only once. As well, a number of injuries on the blue line forced some players to play defence, as forwards Mike Sandor and Sam Chatterley played on the back end.

Jordan Liem got the start in the last game, making 25 saves on 29 shots. Going forward, it will be interesting to see which goalie is leaned upon more once the games start getting more important. Both goalies have played fantastic this year, and whichever goalie the team decides to go with the rest of the season, they’ll be in good hands.

This Week: SFU takes on Trinity Western in a home and home series. The first is at the Langley Events Centre in a rare Thursday night contest, while the next game is at Bill Copeland on Saturday. Last year SFU went 5–2 against the Spartans, and both of those losses came late in the season.

The Clan have only played the Spartans once this season, and it was not a good result — a 3–1 loss that saw Spartans’ goalkeeper Silas Matthys stand on his head and make 34 saves. Trinity this season have two of the top five scorers in Evan Last and Jarrett Fontaine, both rookies. With Trinity just two points behind first place Simon Fraser, winning both games would give the Clan a huge advantage heading into the stretch run of the season.

Student Spotlight: Joseph Ssendikaddiwa

By
Peak Web
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For the first student spotlight of 2017, we highlight Joseph Ssendikaddiwa, an SFU student focused on reinstating education and empowering young people through Eduset, a nonprofit organization he founded.

For more information about the project, visit eduset.net

Created by Adam Madojemu and Alex Bloom

How to take a good nude

By
EIC
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0

If you are a heterosexual male who says “No homo, bro,” after bestowing your friend with some love, I prohibit you from reading further; you are also the same individual who would say, “Netflix and chill?” to anything that moves. If you are a human being with a mind as wide as the ocean, in the next few hundred words you will find the sacred text of performing a ritual that is desired by everyone, perfected by none — a Bare Flesh guide.

For any nude selfie, first and foremost, you must undress. It’s important that you do this with diligence, because you have the body of a goddess. Remove each piece of clothing as if you were opening a gift. Thanks to pseudo-beauty standards though, you will instead perceive a peeled potato which is your body. So, shave, scrub, wax, and polish everything including your toenails. Yes, your toenails.

Once your body has gone through every unnecessary process, lather yourself in oil. The oil will make your skin shine, and even more, it will hide your sebaceous insecurities from the outside world. As long as your skin is lit on the exterior, the interior darkness is of no importance. Use flash for added effects and maybe even some glitter.

Now that you’ve got your preparation done, you must be adventurous to document an exceptional nude selfie. Run around naked in your house with your hands up in the air to gather courage and throw in a couple cartwheels for the aesthetic; your selfie will tell it.

An apt location will be instrumental to your quality nude photo. The more daring you are with the background the more blessings (i.e., likes) you will get. Bathrooms and changing rooms are last season, so take a nude in the kitchen while you’re cooking — this will bring all the misogynistic mansplainers to your yard.

After nailing the phenotypic aspects, nail yourself to the mirror while continuing to utilize your precious time practicing that pose. Contour and contort your face multiple times to look sharp, even though the only thing that needs to be sharp is your mind. Dance to “We Are the Champions” by Queen; this will liberate your skepticism of making this selfie a possibility even though it is your soul that needs to be liberated and lifted.

You may have 99 problems, but taking a selfie won’t be one of them — live on dopamine-induced exhilaration and do it for the ‘gram.

Horoscopes for dumb shits

By
Peak Web
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ARIES:

You’ve been a bit off the handle recently, Aries. Do you remember that alarmingly dramatic incident where you nearly lost your pinky toe? Of course you don’t, you silly drunk bitch. It’s time to step back and clean up your cum-stained life.

TAURUS:

Keep your eyes open for betrayal, Taurus. You’ve been an asshole recently and honestly it would be surprising if someone didn’t stab you in the back. Bad shit will probably definitely happen to you, and it’s totally your fault. The stars aren’t taking any responsibility for this shit. Maybe you should apologize to that family — especially the baby.

GEMINI:

This is the time to be bold, Gemini. You should try that butt thing with the assorted vegetables that you’ve always dreamt about. (Cook the squash for an extra good time.)

LEO:

Keep close to family this week, Leo. Rich family members die all the time — it’s important to forge relationships now, before it’s too late.

CANCER:

This will be a week of great realization for you, Cancer.  Your inevitable death has been staring you in the face and you’re beginning to comprehend the insignificance of your implausibly limited life.  You should probably go enjoy some screaming in a forest, or do a copious amount of drugs. Drugs always help.

VIRGO:

You’ve been too bent on responsibility recently, Virgo. Loosen that bonnet of yours and flash those dutiful titties.  You’ll never relax with that gigantic stick permeating your ass (not in the fun way). Be a destructive fuck and disrespect all forms of responsibility in favour of sweaty, chaotic, and unholy times. You’ll thank yourself later — but definitely only after the worst hangover of your life.


LIBRA:

It’s time for you to move forward, Libra. You’ve been stuck in a rut since your piece of shit ex treated you like trash, but you deserve to be a free bitch. Moving forward requires closure, and your ex’s big black compensation for his dick size is parked within your reach. Your lucky numbers this week are a container of gasoline and a box of matches.


SCORPIO:

You can’t have everything you want, Scorpio. This week will be all about learning balance. You need to learn how to balance how much time you spend grovelling in your own filth while watching BoJack Horseman and weeping openly with how much time you actually spend being a productive human. You gotta start human being instead of human contributing-nothing-to-society. People count on you Scorpio; stop spending the entire day with your vibrator.

SAGITTARIUS:

This is the week for you to tell the truth, Sagittarius.  You’re constantly keeping your barriers up and masking the truth since you’re too afraid to open up. It’s that, or you’re just a manipulative petty dickshit that likes to stir the pot. Either way — you need to learn to open up, learn to be vulnerable, and stop being a good-for-nothing cunt that ruins everything by lying all the time.


CAPRICORN:

This is the time for you to focus, Capricorn. All of your energy needs to be channeled to important goals like getting your pubes dyed, or finding out how many chicken nuggets you can forcefully shove into your disgusting gob. Maybe both.


AQUARIUS:

Before you spend any time being productive today, Aquarius, you should consider giving up. Productivity implies work, and hard work is the evil that drives capitalism. You’re better than that. Consider mooching off your parents, or any schmuck you can con into being your provider.


PISCES:

You’re anxious and jittery to get moving, Pisces, but this is the time to be patient.  Good things come to those who wait and you should just wait it all out forever. Sit on a chair, get cozy, then wait until death comes and peace washes over your repugnant body — deformed by the stresses of existing. Good things definitely come to those who wait, and if you’re patient enough, the sweet departure of your soul from your body will finally come.

Customer service is tough, but worthwhile

By
EIC
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0

I was an awkward, stuttering teenage girl when I first began working at a small-scale grocery store. After years of continuing in various customer service jobs, I realize that those experiences have ensured that I’m nothing like the timid and soft-spoken person I once was.

They’ve allowed me to accurately judge and handle unique situations, improving my communication and social skills not just at work, but life in general. They’ve equipped me with the ability to think creatively, become well-spoken, and be authoritative when needed, among other skills. This one-of-a-kind learning is why I’ve stuck around in the service industry, despite the downsides.

One LinkedIn article bleakly voices that there is no greater myth than the notion that customer service is easy. As of this year, the average Canadian customer service representative has a meagre average salary of $29,560. I don’t disagree with these setbacks, but despite them, the perks of developing greater social skills and professionalism are all too important for me to think that these struggles aren’t worth it.

One memorable moment that honed my communication chops involved an elderly regular at the grocery store I currently work at. Despite several “sorry’s” and apologetic smiles, she was not at all appeased over the shortage of several items she had come for. I originally thought I did just fine with my response but it later dawned on me that an elder, who is likely less willing or able to travel longer distances to shop and who remains a loyal customer despite that, deserves more than such a dismissal.

During my three months in fashion retail, I listened to and aided customers who were outraged over our store policies. It wasn’t easy, but I’d learned from the years of client service already under my belt that tense situations like these require patience, tact, and confidence in oneself.

Whether you work as a waiter, tech support, or retail associate, every interaction is a lesson in its own right. The picky man who wants his TV repaired? You’ll learn how to please him and others of his nature in a way that’s unique compared to how you might satisfy a millennial for the same issue. Once you get the hang of it, you’ll win people over in everyday life by recognizing what works for individuals based on their age, attitude, body language, etc.

I went from using poor and ineffective excuses such as “Sorry, we’re all out of those in size 10,” to better reading individual body language that signalled to me what approach I should take. Once you figure out what social cues to look for, the right response comes easily. Through trial and error, you learn what skills are useful in what situations and vice versa.

Nowadays, I do a much better job at understanding someone’s mood even outside of work, which is great considering that I’ve been previously told that I come off as ignorant multiple times (oops!). I’ve become more confident in my problem-solving skills and oral communication — I am no longer that girl who’s afraid to thank to the bus driver for fear of being judged or sounding weird.

Today, there’s an undeniable, gritty sense of accomplishment and satisfaction when I realize exactly how far I’ve come, in terms of social skills, from working several years in the service industry. While this may seem baffling to those who are naturals at it, it’s a victory for me and countless others who have improved their social skills thanks to what others see as a hassle — customer service jobs.

Album Reviews

By
EIC
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0

I Had a Dream that You Were Mine — Hamilton Leithauser and Rostam Batmanglij

By Rita Ovis

Hamilton Leithauser pulled away from his band The Walkmen and joined forces with Rostam Batmanglij — a multi-instrumentalist formerly from Vampire Weekend — to create a brand new, and quite unique musical duo. Their album, I Had A Dream that you Were Mine is hard to categorize in a genre.

Boogie rock mixes with bright indie pop to create a fusion of interesting instruments meld seamlessly to complement Leithauser’s crooning voice. Banjos, synthesizers, harmonica, and twinkling piano are all featured as Batmanglij works them together to create an extremely satisfying sound. In a few songs you could definitely taste a bit of Vampire Weekend, such as with the piano melody in “Peaceful Morning” and the floaty mix of voices, piano, and strong drum beats in “When the Truth Is. . .”

This best part of this album is that you can dance to it, and maybe even cry to it, with such a range of powerful songs — most focusing on love. You can listen to it “In the graveyards, in the harbors, in the beer halls and the parks,” as Leithauser croons in “When The Truth Is. . .”

4 Your Eyez Only — J. Cole

By Rita Ovis

4 Your Eyez Only, J. Cole’s fourth studio album, is mainly a meditation on the topics of family and the fragility of life.

This album, perhaps not as full of “bangers” as his previous album Forest Hills Drive, instead delivers heartfelt and personal messages. As a new father and a friend of recently murdered James McMillan Jr., who also was a father, Cole incorporates the theme of unconditional love for family: “She’s Mine pt. 1 and 2” capture this notion as a tribute to his daughter. Cole reminds listeners to appreciate the little things in life due to the fragility of life — a moment with a loved one or folding clothes for someone to show you care. Topics such as racial profiling also find a way into his raps; “Neighbours” shines a thoughtful light on what impact such assumptions can have on individuals.

This concept album is a gritty and real take on the struggles and joys of J. Cole and those around him, yet is artfully produced and successfully spreads his messages through catchy beats and Cole’s smooth rapping.

ForMe+You — Austin Mahone

By Jessica Whitesel

When the opening track of an album begins with Juicy J rapping “gonna make love at night” expectations are not high. When the other featured artists are Pitbull and 2 Chainz you know you’re not sticking around for musical excellence. . . well at least what passes as excellence in 2017.

While the list of featured artists almost reads like a who’s who of pop royalty in 2008 (2 Chainz didn’t release his first solo album until 2012), the album they are featured in is Austin Mahone’s late December release ForMe+You.

However, I don’t think that Mahone was informed of it not actually being 2008. The whole album just feels like a terrible #ThrowbackThursday. From the beats that sound like they are straight off of an R. Kelly or Usher album to the genuinely earnest sounding pleas for sex and a deep loving connection (but mostly just sex), it’s too much to handle.

There isn’t really a bright spot on this album, but if I were to pick a least horrible moment it would be that there was only about 30 seconds of Mr. Worldwide.

Take some Ls in your blame game with your prof

By
Peak Web
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0

Success is a touchy subject, and this is only compounded when your gambles for success cost a few thousand dollars per year, followed by gross investments of time. It’s only natural for perceived obstacles to frustrate you — and when it comes to your less-successful courses at SFU, sometimes those obstacles appear to be the people who ostensibly want your success.

When you do poorly enough to miss out on that scholarship or passing grade, it’s very easy to place the blame in your prof or TA’s lap. Sometimes, this is even a pretty reasonable way to feel. Sometimes, it’s a gigantic load of crap.

There are very real and good reasons to criticize your teachers, and then there are cringe-worthy reasons. The latter are designed to accommodate your self-righteousness about your 13-week study break, and the lust for excitement that made you hide from all your lectures in the spiritual depths of your hangovers.

I don’t want to invalidate anyone’s shitty experiences where legitimately unfair factors screwed them over. But some complaints are just a bit entitled, and that’s something to be conscious of.

“They wouldn’t bump me up to the next letter grade”

I mean, I get the frustration if it’s the difference between a pass and a fail, and it’s not wrong to ask depending on the circumstances. But if you’re salty about it, you need to put it into perspective: 2% between your grade and the next might not seem like a lot, but on grading scales where the difference between letters is often roughly… 5%, no wonder they don’t feel inclined to bump you up.

Nobody’s obligated to ‘be a bro’ and bump you up. Missing out on scholarships might suck, but you need to consider that thousands of students pass through this system regularly; boosting some people’s grades and not others isn’t fair or sustainable in the long run.

“I can’t understand anything they say through their accent”

If you’re doing everything you can to rectify this problem – sitting as close to the speaker as you can, asking for clarification once in a while, going to office hours to talk in a one-on-one setting where it’s easier to bypass the potential issue things like that, reading your textbook — sure, complain. But in a staggering number of cases, the ‘problem’ is not as bad as people present it as.

No, a lot of time, it’s just a convenient way for people to make fun of someone they don’t like. So many classmates have tried to commiserate with me on how impossible it is to learn in so-and-so’s lecture or tutorial that I sometimes wonder if I’m watching this shit with subtitles or something, because apparently I didn’t notice that my prof secretly stopped speaking English in favour of whalesong.

“It’s just so boring”

I’m sorry, but your naive dreams of only studying things you like with people you like in university should’ve been on life support ever since the first time SFU’s online resources tried, and failed, to seductively whisper “WQB” into your ear while fingering your wallet.

School is boring. This is not new. It shouldn’t be boring, but have some sympathy: there’s honestly only so much a professor can do to make certain material exciting. If every prof had to be a master comedian or a bestselling author to get their job, our course selection would be much more sparse than it is now.

I’ve taken the time to outline these because until you recognize these icy realities of academia, you work through them. Complaining is healthy, but not to the extent of just being a dick to people without trying to improve yourself. These are lifelong obstacles in and out of university that you have to deal with, and sooner or later you won’t be able to find catharsis on SFU Confessions.

Baby on plane actually crying about her carbon footprint

By
EIC
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0

Ever been on a plane and had a baby cry nonstop the entire flight? Well, those cries may have the intention of bringing you back down to Earth.

Flora Goldenflower may only be three months old, but has the ethical conscience of a hipster who only eats organic and reminds everyone to compost every piece of waste that they create. On a plane ride from her hometown of Vancouver to Prince George, British Columbia, the rumbling of plane engines was a constant reminder of the unnecessary fuel consumption for a one hour flight— she flipped out and lost her shit.

“She is always present during discussions about our carbon footprint and the impact that our activities are having on the planet. We are hurting the Earth with each flight that we take and the massive amount of energy it takes to run machines like planes. This is why I haven’t taken a vacation in fifteen years”, said Cora Goldenflower, Flora’s mum, an active Greenpeace volunteer whose guilt tripping abilities are just as prevalent as her daughter’s.

“Her carbon footprint psyche is incredibly well developed for her age, and she was crying out on behalf of the pain that we are inflicting on the Earth. She is Earth’s angel.”

Complaints from fellow passengers about Flora’s incessant wails only warranted dismissal from her mother, who demanded that they listen to Earth’s cry since it has been ignored for thousands of years.

Furthermore, with each plastic cup or newspaper that was put into plastic garbage bags by flight attendants rather than recycled, Flora’s cries became louder and more shrill; they soon reverberated throughout the entire plane and began to crack windows, triggering the dropping of oxygen masks. One passenger recalled the agonizing flight, “There was no escape from that hippie baby. I don’t want to see a child or a recycling bin for at least a hundred years.”

Upon landing in Prince George, Flora was finally soothed when her mother gave her a compostable pacifier made out of recycled toilet paper. She slept peacefully while her mother handed out flyers to passengers rushing to get off that godforsaken plane about the upcoming Greenpeace rally in Prince George.

Cross-Canada Justin is a chance to get your voice across

By
EIC
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0

Our beloved, photogenic prime minister (PM) recently cancelled plans to attend the Davos summit in Switzerland, in order to spend more time on his tour of Canada to hang out with us average Canadians instead. Critics such as Joan Bryden of the Canadian Press ask whether or not this campaign-style tour is for the right reasons.

It could, after all, be to make up for being in some hot water at the end of last year after some unpopular moves. These moves include the approval of the Kinder-Morgan pipeline, and allegations of pandering to wealthy Liberal Party donors who donated up to $1,500 to be in the same room as the man himself.

Frankly, those critics can give any reason they please to the PM’s visits. Whatever intention they try to attach to the trip won’t take away from the fact that it results in more pros than cons. Some might call it costly and time-consuming, but if Trudeau wants to effectively govern all Canadians, it’s a necessary part of his job — or at least, it should be.

Canada’s one big-ass country, which means many Canadians don’t have the opportunity to even see their premier in person, let alone their prime minister. The people making decisions regarding our well-being shouldn’t be strangers to us. How can our country implement any realistic social policy if our politicians continue to hide in the ivory tower called Parliament Hill?

And Trudeau’s not new to the ivory tower. He’s been criticized by figures like Margaret Wente of the Globe and Mail for being “out of touch with the 99 percent,” as he grew up without many of the anxieties that “average Canadians face,” like college tuition and job stability, thanks to the trust fund and connections his father left him.

As much as this tour will help Trudeau connect with us to his benefit, it could also bring Canadians closer to their PM and get them more interested in politics. Over the holidays, my grandmother told me about Pierre Trudeau’s visit to Metro Vancouver. She didn’t have much taste for federal politics, because to her, Ottawa was a distant place that paid little attention to BC.

Yet meeting Trudeau Sr. gave her a change of heart; he was suddenly much more than just a fuzzy face on a late-’60s television. Any good politician might be well-versed in charisma, but seeing him listen to other Canadians showed how much he genuinely wanted to be involved with their lives, and more importantly, to improve them.

My grandmother also mentioned that she voted for new Trudeau because of how she felt about the original Trudeau – which emphasizes exactly why, having taken office and started to develop his own reputation, Justin needs to make connections on his own this time around.

Trudeau maximizing his time with his citizens could really impact what gets done in Ottawa. We can bypass middlemen like MPs and the media can be bypassed, making it easier to accurately communicate the issues that we want addressed. What’ll define the success of Trudeau’s tour and its benefits are the weight we Canadians place on it, and whether or not we choose to get our taxpayer dollars’ worth out of it.

Many Canadians are about to get the chance to meet one of the most important figures of our country, and if we waste it complaining about the money, there’s no way to take the opportunity to make progress. Democracy only works if we all participate, after all, so let’s get out there when the time comes and show our leader what we want and what we value.

Snowmageddon: A Vancouverite’s guide to dealing with snow

By
EIC
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0

The recent dumping of snow over our city has left Vancouverites feeling defenseless, hopeless, and just plain useless at times. We’re talking about people whose driving skills are even further challenged and grown men fighting over salt. So even though snow isn’t cool, here is a guide on how Vancouverites should decently deal with it.

  • Layer up with your Lululemon yoga pants

Due of the fact that we don’t get snow often, our wardrobe is typically ill-prepared when it does strike. To protect yourself from getting frostbite in all the wrong places, warm up with every pair of Lululemon yoga pants you own. Put all five pairs of yoga pants to good use by wearing them all at once. Because hey, why wouldn’t you want to help Chip Wilson build another yoga studio in his already massive home by investing in even more useless pairs of yoga pants?

  • For the love of Jack Frost, don’t drive

Even when it’s a clear sunny day, driving is still definitely not some people’s strong suit. If this describes you, imagine how much worse it would be driving on a skating rink. Horrific, right? So it’s probably in everyone’s best interest if you stayed off the roads and took public transit or something. Besides, cozying up with strangers on the bus sounds like a really good time!

  • Pick up a shovel and dig

One of the things I hate about snow is that the sidewalks are a pain in the neck to walk on. Everyone needs to invest in a shovel, get off their flannel-clad butt and dig out the sidewalks around your house. Teamwork makes dreamwork, and my dream is to live in a world where sidewalks actually do their job.

  • Flock to social media and complain

Vancouverites are really good at complaining, and what better way to broadcast your disdain for the snow than to be that person on Twitter who is all talk and no action? All of those hot takes should be more than capable of melting the snow.

  • Become a human Churro

If you feel that all of these ideas are too much to deal with and you just cannot even, it’s fine! Find that Snuggie that you got two Christmases ago, roll yourself into a human Churro, and just wait out the snow! Be sure to charge up all your devices so that you can burn your eyes out as you binge watch all the shows that you weren’t able to watch during the regular year! How long can the snow in Vancouver last?

The snow isn’t all gone yet, so be a good person, follow these foolproof ways, and you’ll be holier than the nicest looking snow angel in your neighbourhood!

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

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For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society