By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Investigator
The following is a satirical and fictional commentary.
Oh boy, do we have some juicy tea for you. Have you ever wanted to say, “Fuck the system!” and chug some milk while your boss has his back turned? Way to go, you sabotaging legend. But what if I told you an SFU employee stole $200,000 from the university to fund a luxury vacation to the Pochonos? How would you feel then?
An SFU employee, Jane Doe, has allegedly done just that. The Peak spoke to a staff member of the academic and administrative services office to learn more.
We will refer to the staff member as Madge to protect her identity. Madge volunteered information to the publication when a member of The Peak staff met in front of her car.
How did this fraud go unnoticed?
“Basically, here’s what happened. Jane had been working here since 2007, and she was an alright lady. A little chatty, but we can’t all be perfect. Now, she was talking very openly about [the fraud] the whole time she was doing it. We all thought she was joking! Someone asked her how she financed her Rolls-Royce when she rolled up, and she said, “SFU paid for it.” I thought she just had a bad sense of humour. That’s no crime! One time, we were all out for a staff dinner, and she paid the bill. She asked all of us to e-transfer her, then said, “I’m just gonna pocket it all, though,” and everybody laughed. I guess she used the company card and wanted to skim us for our cash, too. That’s the kicker, huh? Steal from the man, sure, baby, I’m for it. But steal from your coworkers? Honey, a lawsuit isn’t the only thing coming your way. If you’re reading this, you better watch out.”
Why didn’t she have a boss?
“Well, you know them top schmucks. They were trying to save money! Hah! That didn’t work out for them, did it? They assumed she could be trusted. Boy, oh boy, are they bad at reading people. And you know, I always thought I was a little wrong for eating all the office chips or yelling at people to hurry up with the microwave, but I think I’m in the clear! Hah! Alright, get this mic off me now. I’ve got things to do.”
We reached out to Madge to clarify that she was pro-theft. Instead, we received an out-of-office message that said, “Beat it.”
SFU’s press release statement was released on an underground Reddit thread. Although they didn’t address how the fraud went unnoticed, why the employee lacked supervision, or how they plan to prevent this from happening again, they did issue a warning about any criminal activity among staff.
“We are deeply saddened by the loss of our money. We love our money, and it is our top priority, always. If any of our employees are currently engaging in fraudulent activity, please step forward and let us know so we can sue you. It makes us so sad to have to do this, but we must. Compliance in this manner will be a requirement; otherwise, staff will be denied use of the Nespresso machine in the staff room. We mean it.” — SFU
