By: Heidi Kwok, Staff Writer
BREAKING NEWS — Mariah Carey, the official “Queen of Christmas,” is refusing to defrost. The beloved American singer, best known for her 1994 hit “All I Want For Christmas is You,” remains stubbornly encased within her ice cube in the North Pole, despite desperate pleas from Christmas enthusiasts across the globe. This unprecedented act marks a shocking departure from her annual thawing pattern, which occurs every October 31 at precisely 11:59 p.m. EDT. Usually, Carey emerges from her icy hibernation to declare, “IT’S TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME.”
Shopping malls worldwide were the first to notice the glitch, when, upon pulling up their festive playlists at 7:00 a.m. on November 1, store managers were horrified to discover that “All I Want For Christmas is You” had mysteriously vanished from existence. In North America, megachains such as Walmart and the Real Canadian Superstore were left scrambling without Carey’s seasonal anthem to force minimum-wage retail workers into a state of holiday cheer. Miraculously, a merchandise stocking associate we interviewed didn’t seem to mind. In fact, they even celebrated this misfortune. “Last year, I had to endure an endless loop of Carey’s ear-splitting, whistle vocals, and jingling bells for the entirety of my 12-hour shifts during November and December. My ears are still undergoing therapy for the trauma.”
Story update (posted 3 minutes ago): We are back with an update. Carey’s frozen state has prompted the US government to issue a DEFCON 1 alert. The Pentagon has deployed crisis negotiation officers to the Arctic and is actively monitoring the crisis. They are attempting to establish communication with Carey’s long-time publicist, who has reportedly barricaded herself, along with the ice cube containing Carey, behind the heavy steel vault hidden beneath the singer’s winter fortress.
“My fellow Americans. This is an urgent priority of my administration,” President Donald Trump stated in an Oval Office address. “If Mariah doesn’t smarten up, I might just have to replace her with Onijah Robinson. I’ll do it. Don’t make me do it, Marinara Carney!”
An official list of demands has been published by Carey’s publicist, which, among 75 other stipulations, asks for “exclusive rights to the ‘Queen of Christmas’ title” and a “formal apology from Canada for allowing Michael Bublé to defrost before Carey, which ‘severely undermined the sacred timing of the holiday season.’”
Without Mariah Carey’s signature five-octave range and champagne-glass shattering G7 whistle register note, the world has been plunged into an eerie silence. In an effort to accelerate Carey’s defrosting, the Trump administration has proposed a controversial plan to speed up global warming by slashing more carbon reduction and climate action policies.
“We do not negotiate with terrorists,” Trump yelled in his second Oval Office address of the day. “I’ve known this was coming for a long time, and I’ve personally baked in a contingency plan. As a first step, I’ve already withdrawn our great nation from the Paris Agreement! I will also personally oversee the suspension of US climate regulations, amp up oil and gas drilling in the North, and ensure that all renewable energy projects are cancelled. #Drillbabydrill #MakeMarianaSayItsTimeAgain.”
This is a story that The Peak will continue to cover as developments continue. We reached out to Mariah Carey for a statement, but received an autographed chunk of ice in return.
