By: Coffee Brown, now in witness protection
Coffee Brown was recently faced with his most difficult task as a member of the Beverage Mafia. Brown had been loyal to the mafia family for decades, but after his last hit, he knew it was time to retire. Years of guilt caught up to him, and he realized he needed to free himself from the burden.
He is set to testify against the Beverage Mafia next year (with a full pardon of his crimes), but has agreed to provide his statement regarding the suspicious closure of the Jugo Juice next to Renaissance Coffee in the AQ exclusively to The Peak.
“It was some time ‘round last week. I’m at home, in my Hello Kitty jam jams, when I hear a knock on the door. It’s not just a normal knock, too; it sounded like a kangaroo on speed, ready to bring my door down. I know what it is — it’s serious, they gonna tells me ‘go paint a house.’ Well, I says to the guy, hold it, gimme a sec, but he’s banging away like my mom and pawp on Valentine’s Day. I need to change outta my jam jams, ‘cause no one is going to take a hitman who likes Hello Kitty seriously — society, am I right? Anyways, I suit up and open the door, and who do I see? Ol’ Thony Coca-Cola. ‘Hey, what’s the matter?’ I says to him.
“He comes in, sits down and lays it out for me. Started to bust my balls.
“Turns out the old Jugo Juice factory the boss gave out loans to wasn’t doin’ too well — I guess they haven’t been since they took that loan from us. Thony tells me, ‘Hey pal, it’s time to go send a message.’ I’m sitting there nodding, but deep down I know I can’t do it. I wanna say, ‘Fogetta bout it!’
“I love that Jugo Juice — and here is Thony telling me to go literally beat the pulp outta the owner. I am bouts to tell him, keep your cash — I can’t do it, I like that place . . . especially ‘em kale smoothies . . . and then he pulls out a brief case loaded with enough cash to buy a stupendous amount of Hello Kitty jam jams to last my grandchildren (totally not me) a whole lifetime.
“I take the cash and do the job. I wanted to say no, but just when I thought I was out, they pulped me back in. I sent the owner a lil’ knuckle sandwich and set the place on fire right at closing time. The boss calls me just after I burn it down and tells me to . . . you know . . . whack that poor soul. Boss says to me he’s been juicin’ him for years, and he won’t pay the loans back. I’m lookin’ at the poor chap . . . he spilled a cup of the lemon juice on his pants while his shop burnt. I can’t do it. I don’t do it. I said to the poor chap, ‘Run, fogetta bout it.’
“I realize that I’ve been spilling the blood of too many in the name of the boss and the twisted Beverage Mafia. But no more. I’m takin’ it down with me. I decided to rat. I would’ve never thought I’d get to the point that I felt like a cannoli in Ol’ Paulie Piña Colada’s fridge, the way this guilt was eating me.
“I loved that Jugo Juice. I remember the first time I had a smoothie from there. I was saying stuff like splendid, somethin’ you don’t hear a guy like me saying. The Beverage Mafia— they expect too much. You gotta be a tough guy, you can’t drink a kale smoothie and enjoy it or they’ll calls you soft. You can’t be seen wearing your Hello Kitty jam jams either. The money was good, but my job was miserable. I knew I had to scram faster than my mom makin’ her Christmas linguine.
“It was the best decision of my life. I feel bad for beating poor Jugo, or whateva his name is, but I won’t be doing that no more. I can live my truth, wear what I wants to, and enjoy my jam jams.”
