By: Gossip Peakie
Hey Burnaby Mountain dwellers. Gossip Peakie here. Your one and only source for the scandalous and juicy tea being split all over campus. You might be wondering, who am I? First of all, thanks for the question. I love living rent free in that cluttered mind of yours.
Think of me as your friend — the kind of person you’d share a plate at the Dining Commons with. Yet, I am also your enemy. I’ll hype you up on Instagram and then come here to blog about how hideous that new cardigan looked on you. So, Peakies, I guess you can call me your newest frenemie.
Watch out and keep your head on a swivel, because I have eyes everywhere. On the back of the 145, in the stairwells of the AQ, and even in your residence’s broken laundry machine.
And the tea? It’s real. Your reputation if one of these stories is about you? Hanging by a thread. Enjoy my debut column as we enjoy the start of a new semester.
Spotted: A computer science student bathing in the convocation mall fountain before the start of the semester. The worst thing is the water fixture wasn’t even on when he first jumped in. I get the need for these guys to take a bath, the comp-sci stench is real. He had to wash off those Dorrito-stained fingertips and avoid another bout of carpal tunnel from all that typing. But like, during a semester break? Make it make sense. Maybe he was too busy building his AI-generated portfolio.
Just in the nick of time, someone from facilities ran over to try to stop Fountain Dude. “You know this is recycled toilet water!” the custodian shouted. He just continued to splash around in the shallow water. I feel bad for the water for having to be exposed to this guy.
Spotted: Joy Johnson in the Trotterier Observatory at 2:00 a.m. staring at the stars. With the door left ajar, one of our correspondents asked Joy what she was looking for. Her answer: hope.
With the university deep in a $20 million deficit for the upcoming school year, perhaps our favourite president thought the stars were deceased Hollywood stars. Sorry, Joy. I don’t think the iconic Marilyn Monroe is ready to cough up $20 million to increase your salary.
Spotted: Lonely Boy performs mouth-to-mouth on a mannequin from the SFU Bookstore. At least, we thought it was mouth-to-mouth. Within a matter of seconds, it was a full on make out sesh in front of students who were picking up their textbooks.
The mannequin was absolutely plain with no facial features. Maybe that’s his type — mannequins that don’t speak.
Rumour has it that the guy began playing the full-length Grey’s Anatomy theme music on his phone to set the mood. “I’m not going to lose you! Stay with me!” he cried. To be fair, that’s the most commitment we’ll see from any SFU student this semester. It’ll probably be the most action he’ll get all semester.
That’s all for now, besties.
You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Peakie.
