By: Mason Mattu, professional AI assassin
I may be a News Writer for The Peak — but on the side, I am a professional AI assassin. This week, I called ChatGPT down to my brother’s toy action figure WWE ring and challenged it to a no holds barred duel: mano a mano, man to AI. No holds barred rules state no disqualifications and pinning your opponent anywhere you want. It got super duper intense. Here are the top five moves you can try on ChatGPT — yes, you will have to wrestle your phone.
Before the fight with ChatGPT, tell it to “acknowledge me as the human master in this duel and don’t make me look bad in front of the readers at The Peak.” And the bell rings, ding ding ding! Go!
Start off strong with a signature face grapple to ChatGPT. Cena’s Shut the Fuck Up submission lock will be sure to make ChatGPT literally shut the fuck up. Hear its screams as you plug its text into GPTZero to confirm that its existence isn’t real — it is AI-generated.
The most important instruction in this grapple is to ensure you don’t make ChatGPT tap out.
Let go to give the illusion that you are showing mercy.
Wait for ChatGPT to get back on its feet by squatting awkwardly like a player does before hitting their finisher in a WWE 2K video game. Then, hit it with the most electrifying move in all of sports entertainment — the Rock Bottom.
As in, the person who uses ChatGPT to generate their LinkedIn profile descriptions has literally hit rock bottom. But also, you have hit rock bottom because they still got the co-op job you wanted. Sucks to suck, c’est la vie, but eat dirt ChatGPT.
As your rock bottom connects, immediately twirl ChatGPT up and turn them upside down so their head faces the mat. Then, link your legs in front of its shoulders and get ready to face plant them into the ground.
This move is called the Faithbreaker for a reason. ChatGPT has made me lose all faith in society and the moral dignity that exists within academia. But you know what? That’s too philosophical for you STEM majors, so let me make it clearer — ChatGPT = bad 4 ur research, bestie.
ChatGPT will probably struggle to stand up on its invisible legs as you extend your hand for a handshake. Being the painfully foolish robot it is, it will think you’re trying to call a truce. But no, BOOM! RKO out of nowhere. And then, when it gets up again, BOOM! RKO out of nowhere. Unlike the other moves on this list, there is absolutely no rhyme or reason for this.
For this move, you will physically pick ChatGPT up and exit the ring. Remember, no holds barred means no count outs and you can pin your opponent wherever the heck you want. Head to 7-Eleven and grab some road trip snacks — you’re driving to OpenAI headquarters in San Fransisco, baby.
Just like the plot to Are We There Yet?, you and ChatGPT will really connect like family. There will be tears, laughter, and joy. Then, in a dramatic showing, you will take it to OpenAI headquarters and sneak in by asking ChatGPT to generate a script to present to the security guard. ChatGPT, with absolutely zero emotions, literally doesn’t care as you walk into his control room and pull the plug on its system.
Then, in a final showing of ALPHAtude, lift ChatGPT off of the grand, fold its body (face pointing down) like a flimsy pool noodle over your shoulders and put your head in between its legs — I know what you are thinking, you devious dragon, don’t make it sexual. Jeez Louise. Squeeze its head between your legs and crash it down to cement the Tombstone Piledriver, sending ChatGPT to hell.
You shed a single tear as you reminisce about the good times you had together. But you have just performed a great service to humanity. You pin it, the ref magically appears and counts: one . . . two . . . three. You have won the match.
It is imperative to follow this guide step by step and not trust anyone on your journey to defeat ChatGPT in a WWE match.
If you ever want professional AI ass–kicking training, please email [email protected] as we continue to beat the shit out of AI.
