By: Michelle Young, Copy Editor
- Your Blenz order (warm milk) is wrong. You:
- Spit it out immediately.
- Despite the barista’s apology and offer to remake your drink, you insist on talking to the manager and lecture them about how you can tell there are one too many syrup pumps in there. You can literally only drink milk, after all.
- Sip it and walk out.
- A rando is throwing small objects at you. You:
- Run (or bounce) away.
- Attempt to bite them. To your dismay, you can’t reach.
- Relocate your nap. You know they will be sued and fined — as they should be!
- You finish doing your business on the toilet, but are shocked to feel a splash of water hitting your butt. You:
- Scream and burst out of the stall in horror.
- Report it immediately and complain about the potential bacterial risks of using a public bidet.
- Allow the bidet to do its job, and curiously examine it afterwards.
- You’re scrolling on Instagram and notice that @simonfraseru has posted about you without your consent. You:
- Instantly drop your phone on the ground.
- Report the account and post a story about the importance of asking for permission before posting pictures of other people (and hippos) online. There needs to be boundaries.
- Read the comments before using your toes to keep scrolling on your feed.
If you answered mostly A’s, you are alarmed Moo Deng. You are always alarmed and who can blame you? The world is full of overstimulating chaos: getting wet and being picked up is scary and unpleasant. Just keep screaming.
If you answered mostly B’s, you are angry Moo Deng. You want to bite everyone you come into contact with, and whether you do this out of love or not is debatable. You hold petty grudges and run away at minor inconveniences. I would say that you need to learn to express yourself better before you become a menace to society, but I don’t think that’s realistic. Chomp.
If you answered mostly C’s, you are calm Moo Deng. You are at peace. No one can derail your stay-at-home-for-the-week plans because you won’t let them. You love to lay around and pretend to eat grass. You are always moisturized and ready to show off those gorgeous pink cheeks. Go get ‘em.
