By:  Jordan PEEterson, Alt-Right Political Personality (swears he’s not racist)

The BC Conservatives are considering adding Indigenous rights to their list of priorities sometime within the next 60 years if it is profitable in some way. Of course, reconciliation and ensuring human rights are upheld isn’t as important as ensuring the rich get more land. In my humbly centrist and rational opinion, we shouldn’t be giving people handouts. Yes, my ancestors may have contributed to violent imperial pursuits that have long-lasting impacts, but is that really my fault? I have recently been feeling like my white privilege is under attack these days, and too much communist progressiveness may put a halt to benefiting our country’s wonderful elite. After interviewing BC Conservative party leader John Rustad, I see a new hope in the form of a beautiful white smurf.

Rustad, or as I call him “Papa John” because as the kids these days say, he is so “daddycore” started the interview by saying, “Look, I care about Indigenous people. I even wear the moose hide. But I am conservative; I believe in tradition. Conserving culture and ensuring things remain like they were in the sweet old days is important. We have been violating Indigenous rights for years; why should we now change our beloved Canadian tradition? Plus, is it really that big of an issue? I thought we solved racism back in 1988.”

While many are shocked by this statement, he does have a point. Women can vote, gay people can get married, what more do you want?

John’s Conservative Party wants to repeal laws regarding Indigenous land ownership. The Narwhal criticizes Rustad’s approach as he should be focused on “halting and reversing biodiversity loss by 2030 and to put nature on a path to recovery by 2050.” Rustad replies to this claim — “It’s not that deep. I myself am an environment expert, even though I got removed from the liberal party for my supposedly misinformed views on the matter (they are just haters). I saw a couple episodes of the Joe Rogan Podcast, and I can assure everyone the environment is fine. I went out the other day, and the grass was there, so I don’t know why we are so worried.”

Rustad also complains about how Indigenous rights and land rights are related. “Everyone can buy property; why should we prevent others from purchasing land, and just give it to the Indigenous communities? Sure we did technically steal the land a couple hundred years ago, but we kind of said sorry (not really). I even continued to wear my moose hide, even after an Indigenous leader said mean things about me like how I’m “a threat to Indigenous rights and a threat to reconciliation.” 

Rustad expresses deep sorrow as he just wants to make sure people get more opportunities to buy land (if their mommy and daddy are rich of course — it’s just how it is, I don’t make the rules). Even though the prices of housing have skyrocketed to the point where buying a house is fantasy for most Canadians, it is important to not actually lower the prices for land but just take other people’s land and allow them the opportunity to buy it (even if they can’t). 

This is an ongoing issue that The Rarely Wire will rarely cover.