By: Amrit Kamaal, Peak Associate

Burnaby Mountain, known for its thriving ecosystems and wildlife, was hit by an influx of humans in 1965. Once known as the spot for critters to flourish, it was taken over by people, with no consideration for these creatures’ feelings or bellies — only “engagement,” whatever that means. Raccoons have historically been shamed the most, with phones shoved in their faces. Sheryl, a single raccoon mom to her children Emmaleigh and Lakynn, is at the centre of a scandal. Most recently viral all over Reddit, a video documents Sheryl attempting to adjust to human meal customs, entering the SFU Dining Hall but being alienated by her human peers. She’s come today to The Peacock newspaper (no connection with our rivals at The Peak) to clear her name and the names of all trash pandas across campus. 

Interviewer: Hello Sheryl, I’m sure you’ve seen the video of you circulating all over the internet and the comments people have left. How has this incident affected you and your family?

Sheryl: Well, it’s great you asked that. As a single mother with two children, I try to look out for my babies whenever I can. It’s been a roller coaster lately; Lakynn and Emmaleigh are too fond of our newfound fame. They keep showing me memes and reaction videos of people crying while I’m mid-chew in my “nobody’s gonna see me” fur. Personally, I don’t bat an eye when y’all double-dip or attack your drinks with a straw and spill everywhere. 

Interviewer: Why the SFU Dining Hall specifically?

Sheryl: As well as working as a Peacock Associate, I am also a TA for CMPT 433, graduating this fall as a Raccoonomics major. It was Bring Your Critters to Work Day, and I told them to be on their best behaviour around mommy’s colleagues. I deserve a meal, too. I got a free meal voucher for this! 

Interviewer: What do you want our community to take away from this incident? 

Sheryl: I hope everyone realizes that we raccoons aren’t just sneaky bandits. Y’all also make it impossible not to be by leaving your Apple Ecosystems on display. I pride myself on being sophisticated enough to be allergic to apples to not even consider stealing your devices. My fellow “trash pandas,” stay fabulous, stay sophisticated, and stay fed. 

Interviewer: Witty words and wisdom. You’re the full package, alright! Thank you once again for joining us on The Peacock.

Sheryl: Thank you for having me! And hey, if anyone needs a raccoon consultant for their next dumpster raid, I’m your girl!