By: Izzy Cheung, Arts & Culture Editor

Snee: Welcome back to another installment of Saturday Fight Night! My name is Snee, and tonight, I’ll be one of your co-hosts for this magnificent mid-summer matchup. 

Zee: And I’m Zee, the other half of the broadcast. Boy, do we have a doozy for you all tonight! This square-off has long been in the making, dating back to the first time these two entities crossed paths. 

Snee: That’s right, Zee! Under the bright spotlights of our stage, directly inside that boxing ring, these two are about to settle a beef that even Alberta can’t produce. Now, let’s meet our competitors! 

Zee: Coming out of the right side, donning a snot green silk robe, we’ve got the challenger themselves — Ah Chooooooooooo! 

Snee: Ah Choo comes into this fight with a bone to pick. They issued the challenge after countless years of pestering. It started with tickles in their nostrils and even escalated to scratches in their throat!

Zee: Scratches IN the throat? 

Snee: You heard me, Zee! That’s why Ah Choo couldn’t take it anymore — they had to settle things once and for all, before they stuck a spoon down their throat in a fit of itchy anger. 

Zee: That’s a tough case, Snee! 

Snee: It really is. Now, coming out of the left side, sporting dandelion yellow, we have Seeeeeeasonal Allergies! 

Zee: Seasonal Allergies has been a force in the fighting industry for years. Nobody’s beaten them. 

Ding ding! 

Snee: And the bell has been rung! Here comes Ah Choo with a quick right hook —

Zee: Oh, but Seasonal Allergies dodges it! Ah Choo makes another quick move, trying to sweep out Seasonal Allergies’ feet from underneath them —

Snee: But Seasonal Allergies pummels Ah Choo right in the face! Yow, that looked painful. Those eyes are going to be itchy for a long time. 

Zee: Oh, but Ah Choo looks mad now, Snee. They look like they’re seeing red. 

Snee: I think those are just the allergies, Zee. 

Zee: Doesn’t matter now — here comes Ah Choo with a wild charge! They’re running like a bull! 

Snee: But Seasonal Allergies handles that deftly with a blast of boogers! Oh boy, somebody better get the clean-up crew down there. 

Zee: Ah Choo is out of control! Look at that sneeze! 

Snee: They just sent themselves backwards with the force of that thing! 

Zee: Oh, no — Ah Choo is down. The fight is over. 

Snee: No, no, it’s not — Seasonal Allergies is advancing on Ah Choo. But, Ah Choo is already down! 

Zee: Nothing can stop them once they’ve started, Snee. Not even overpriced medication. 

Snee: Well, that’s a whole lot of sneezing and nose-blowing from inside the ring, Zee. I think that means our work here is done. 

Zee: How long do you think Ah Choo will be like that for? 

Snee: It’s hard to tell, Zee. It could be forever. 

Zee: Well, that’s all from Saturday Fight Night, then. I’m your co-host, Zee. 

Snee: And I’m your other co-host, Snee. We hope you enjoyed this week’s fight . . . though it wasn’t much of one. 

Zee: It never is when Seasonal Allergies is your opponent.