By: Kaja Antic, Staff Writer and C Icart, Humour Editor
We are gathered here today in memory of the 2023–24 Vancouver Canucks. What a season it was, starting with an 8–1 victorious roar over the Edmonton Oilers and ending with a 3–2 game seven loss against the same team. The team brought almost as much entertainment to the city this year as the Metro Vancouver Overpass Impact Counter.
This team will be remembered for their miraculous achievement of finally injecting some energy into the overtired Canucks fan base after years of mediocrity, largely due to the Jim Benning regime’s passion for downward spiralling and disappointment. We at The Peak would like to acknowledge the players of this team who have reached the impossible — earning a living wage in Metro Vancouver. In no particular order, here are our final words about each notable (for good or bad reasons) member of the roster.
Brock Boeser: By some, he will be remembered for his spectacular achievement of hitting the 40-goal mark. That man was traded by armchair general managers to nearly every team on the planet. Yet, he persevered and showed he was one of the best Canucks on the roster. But for us, his most memorable trait was his uncanny resemblance to Shrek’s Prince Charming.
J.T. Miller: We are astonished by the fact that Rick Tocchet was actually able to fix him. Gone are the days where he’d smack the tops of the net and yell at the goalie, and here are the days of him calling Brock Boeser his wife. As we bid adieu to his contribution to this unforgettable season, we are reminded of a great lesson. Change does not come from within, it comes from a $56 million contract.
The team brought almost as much entertainment to the city this year as the Metro Vancouver Overpass Impact Counter.
Elias Pettersson: Today, we use our professional yapping skills to pay tribute to his efforts and silence the haters who think the Canucks need “more Saskatchewan, less Stockholm.” The 2023–24 Canucks are dead, but through his new eight-year contract, he will carry their legacy.
Tyler Myers: Oh, our beloved chaos giraffe. He will be remembered for his defensive skills that BC teachers could only describe as “emerging,” and the entertainment value he brought simply from being ridiculously tall. In his next life, we hope he takes the hometown discount so he can continue to expose Conor Garland’s true height by standing next to him.
We are sure there were more players on the team, but it’s been over a month and we are beginning to forget. As we say our final goodbyes, let us remember the success of the Canucks this season was largely unexpected by many in the hockey world — including the organization itself. Our faith that the team will be reborn during the NHL Entry Draft on June 28 is what consoles us.
Farewell Canucks.
May you rest in peace.
