By: Sude Guvendik, Staff Writer
Ah, the sweet symphony of bureaucracy. It’s like a finely tuned orchestra playing the most annoying melody you’ve ever heard. As the TSSU battles it out for a fair contract, the employer’s bargaining team has been brushing up on their stalling tactic skills with the dedication of a procrastinating student cramming for finals.
Picture this: a dimly lit room, the scent of lukewarm coffee, and burnt-out ideas hanging in the air. SFU’s bargaining team, dressed in their best “I’m here to negotiate . . . eventually” attire, huddle around a conference table littered with half-empty Timbit boxes and enough paperwork to shame a forest. Let’s eavesdrop on their brilliant brainstorming session.
Stalling Tactic #1: The Semantics Shuffle
SFU’s lead negotiator, Mr. Jargon Juggler, clears his throat. “Alright, team, our first stalling tactic is to delve into the riveting world of semantics. We’ll spend hours debating whether ‘office hours’ and ‘consultation’ are truly distinguishable concepts. It’s like arguing whether a tomato is a fruit or a vegetable, but way less fun.”
Stalling Tactic #2: The Equivalent Enigma
“Next up,” Mr. Juggler continues, “we’ll pretend that paying teaching assistants the same for different work is a perfectly reasonable idea. We’ll argue that ‘equivalent’ is subjective. Who’s to say what’s equivalent anyway? A panda and a penguin are both cute and fluffy, right?”
Assistant Negotiator B nods enthusiastically, “Exactly! We can use this tactic until they’re so baffled they’ll forget they wanted fair compensation in the first place.”
Stalling Tactic #3: The Historical Headache
“Now, team, we’ve got to stand our ground on the Truth and Reconciliation Commission’s recommendations,” Mr. Juggler declares. “We’ll tell them we need more time to reflect on history and its implications.”
Assistant Negotiator C pipes up, “And when they ask for specifics, we’ll start with the history of shoelaces and work our way up to the invention of the cheese grater. By the time we’re done, they won’t remember what they asked for in the first place.”
Stalling Tactic #4: The Procrastination Prodigies
“Lastly,” Mr. Juggler concludes, “we’ve got to master the art of procrastination. We’ll wait until they’re about to snap, then casually admit that not every improvement has to count against wage increases. It’s like giving them a nugget of hope after months of frustration.”
Assistant Negotiator D grins, “And we can toss in a few vague promises about ‘looking into it further’ and ‘exploring options.’ They’ll be so relieved they won’t notice we’ve actually said nothing.”
And so, dear readers, as TSSU continues to fight the good fight for a fair contract, SFU’s bargaining team hones their stalling tactics with the precision of a seasoned procrastinator. Will TSSU prevail, or will the employer’s baffling mastery of time-wasting semantics triumph? Only time, and possibly another 40 bargaining sessions, will tell. Until then, let the bureaucratic ballet continue!
