By: Nathan T.
The Koi from the AQ pond have been removed
After years of entertaining graduating students during convocation and disappearing during winter, the koi fish have been sold to the SFU biological sciences department to help raise money for the molecular biology department.
All students are to take six courses to help fund the school
In an age of COVID-19 and recession, the administration has mandated that all SFU students are to do six courses per term starting in Summer 2023 to provide additional funding for the university. The administration hopes this will enable students to graduate faster, therefore freeing up space for even more students. Engineering students will still have to take two more courses than other students each term to maintain bragging and complaining rights.
Asbestos discovered in the entire Burnaby campus
After reports of asbestos being found in the Bennett Library, SFU has undergone an extensive check of the Burnaby campus and has found asbestos in the AQ, RCB, Saywell, Blusson, WMC . . . so everywhere, including your food. SFU maintains that as long as the asbestos is undisturbed, everyone is safe. The good news is, you now won’t live long enough to completely pay off your student debt.
Library study rooms are empty
Shortly after the report of asbestos being found in the Bennett Library, SFU Libraries is reporting a 500% decrease in study room usage. Students are encouraged to use study rooms as needed. No need for bookings now!
Soaring to new peaks
The Peak has found out the newspaper has now achieved a circulation of 25 readers. That’s one more than the number of staff at The Peak (who are forced to read the newspaper as part of work). So thank you kind stranger (or mum)!
SFU has received an award for being the highest school
Recent heavy rainfall events has led to SFU receiving an award for its high elevation compared to other schools of similar size, such as UBC and KPU. This means that SFU will be the last place to shut down during any Lower Mainland flood. Representative of SFU, Albert Quatriangle, said in a statement, “Hopefully SFU students will realize how fortunate they are and stop whining about getting to the mountaintop during winter. We will never shut down; come drought, blizzard, flood, or pandemic. We had this all planned out since 1965, believe it or not!”
SFU department of Academic Studies trialing “no readings” policy
The Department of Academic Studies has instituted a policy of no readings for all of its classes. Chair of the department, Dr. Sam Paper said, “Our research shows none of our SFU students do their readings. Therefore we are following the science and evidence and asking our professors and instructors to stop assigning readings for class. Obviously we are in close communication with the other departments in the university to make sure our students will still get the same amount of work overall to maintain the university experience.”
