By: Nercya Kalino, Staff Writer
Ah, tote bags. They give the perfect impression of looking put together and artsy. So what happens when a student loses it?
It is with tremendous sadness that I announce my resignation from the Tote Bag Alliance. What can one do when they have lost a part of themself? After a long while of feeling the validation of being an artsy tote bearer, it is quite embarrassing that I bear this news.
Careless! I know. I have not only searched the highs and lows of my room, but I have also found a potential suspect! My roommate insists they had nothing to do with the disappearance of my tote bag, but I’m not quite so easily convinced.
Two weeks ago, I went to Donald’s local market. After all, it is only fair to abide by the rules of the Tote Bag Alliance Section 420, which states, “When one has spent at least one month with their newly found emotional support bag, it is imperative they carry their work of Picasso to a local store.” I am also very aware of the subsequent section which states, “Without a tote bag in a local store, you are as naked as a worm on a pavement.” I write this to acknowledge my shame, for I feel like the most naked worm.
I came home and left my tote bag in its place on the side of the laundry basket. I did not leave my house for a while. On one fateful day, I saw my roommate carrying a tote bag as she left the house.
Now, I am not saying we have tote bag thieves among us, but this is worth noting, my friends! In my mind, I thought my roommate did not want to be a naked worm. I was merciful and did not think much about this. Of course, she only wanted to join the ranks of tote bag worship!
Alas! Mercy is for tote bag losing losers! One day, I excitedly made plans to go outside. I unconsciously reached for the bag, and my hand grasped at air. It was gone!
I anxiously searched. My makeup started to crease from the sweat of dread. This day was meant to be the day I was supposed to name my emotional tote bag.
It left without a goodbye.
Now we all know that it is different when your tote bag grows old and asks for a proper send–off, consisting of a proper wash and a final fold before being placed in the closet. But no! It left as if to mock me for all the times I had left it on the floors of the public bus, or the one time I almost forgot it in the Uber . . .
And then it hit me! My roommate had been carrying a tote bag. It must’ve been mine!
With anger, I barged into her room, and there she was, laying in her sleep. I immediately shook her awake and asked the most important question ever: “Did you take my tote bag?”
This proceeded into an argument about how it is unfair to wake up people so abruptly for trivial things. How dare she? Calling my precious tote bag trivial.
“Let me see your tote bags then,” I responded.
Obviously, she had no intention of cooperating, but the investigation continues. She has not carried her tote bag ever since the confrontation. I suspect that it could be mine. So every time she leaves the house, I wait in the common area. I will NOT be the naked worm. My current mission is to catch her with my tote bag on her shoulder.
Angrily,
A lost lamb in the ranks of my tote bag comrades
