By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor
- Would you ever dye your hair with something that isn’t hair dye?
A. Why would I buy hair dye when Kool Aid is so much cheaper? Money doesn’t grow on trees. I don’t know where Kool Aid grows, but I think it would be on a magic beanstalk.
B. I dyed my hair with beet juice last night and I’ll do it again. What are you gonna do about it?
C. Uhh, no? They invented hair dye for a reason, and that reason is for dying your hair.
2. Do you invest in Bitcoin?
A. What the fuck is a Bitcoin?
B. No, I invest in Ripple’s XRP, the superior NFT. Add me on LinkedIn to talk about it.
C. I usually invest in myself, but clearly that’s a waste since I’m sitting here reading The Peak.
3. Which lyrics are your dating status?
A. “What what, what, what / What what, what, what” from “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
B. “He was a punk / She did ballet / What more can I say?” from “Sk8er Boi” by Avril Lavigne
C. “I wake at the first cringe of morning / And my heart’s already sinned” from “Someone New” by Hozier
4. What would your pen name be if you were an author?
A. Wolf Ebony Blue-Pockets
B. Dr. Adrian Quinn
C. U. Wu
5. How many fingers am I holding up?
A. I see two cheeky little fingies there?
B. None. They’re holding themselves up. And the thumb isn’t a finger, you know.
C.You’re literally incorporeal to me right now. Ask again later.
If you answered mostly A’s, you should play Club Penguin.
Yes, I know Club Penguin is gone, but there are some fun remakes of it. Maybe allowing yourself to be distracted by a whimsical game about penguins who wear hats will give you enough dopamine to get through the end of the semester. Maybe you’ll feel something, too. (Hunger? Nostalgia? The urge to order 12 Webkinz immediately?) Regardless, you deserve all the things you liked when you were 6 years old, like 2:00 p.m. naps, wearing bright colours, and whining just a little about going to school.
If you answered mostly B’s, you should get clubbed.
No, not in any kind of violent way. Just getting bonked with a pool noodle so you stop dissociating through this article. Maybe get a few noodles to fake-duel your friends at a safe distance. Listen, champ, you’re headstrong, but at what cost? You may always be true to yourself, but it’s in a strange, slightly pretentious way. Take it down a notch, cowboy.
If you answered mostly C’s, you should go clubbing.
Not any time soon, of course, but eventually. In the meantime, set up your own home clubbing experience with colourful lights, a good speaker, and a lot of cheap booze. For a more authentic experience, go stand in the cold for a bit like you’re in line, and ask someone in your house to check your ID and hassle you a little when you walk inside. You’ll have to pay them, too. If you give a good tip, they just might dance with you despite the 2000s throwback playlist you queued.