By: Emma Jean and Paige Riding
“STACIA! Get in here!! Shut the door, will you?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Listen. Something really, really bad happened, but you can’t tell anyone.”
“Of course not, ma’am.”
“Good. Now, Stacia, you know the Spring Beedie School of Business collection pitch meeting is in 45 minutes. I may or may not have dropped my list of ideas in the shredder along with some . . . less than savoury company tax records I was trying to get rid of, but that’s irrelevant. What is relevant is that I need to brainstorm fashion ideas for our merchandise catalogue STAT.”
“Understood, ma’am. Have you considered Beedie laptop covers made with recycled materials? It will allow students to feel a sense of identity as they head back to in-person classes after a great time spent alone.”
“God, no. Stacia, can you please get realistic here? Ok, think. Kids love dual monitors on their computers. They also love those God-awful fanny packs. I’ve seen so many pleather ones my eyes water when I drive on West Campus Road. Why don’t we make dual fanny packs? Two pockets. Less complaints from those brats and their fake pocket jeans. As you know, Stacia—”
“Fake pockets are to encourage the purchase of a really, really cute bag. Yes, I know ma’am. You put that in your intro to Introductory Fundamental Fashion Fundamentals Volume II.”
“Exactly. See, there is a reason we keep you around, Stacia, since it sure isn’t your merchandise ideas. God. Alright, we slap an SFU Beedie logo on the fanny packs. Charge the bargain price and we’ll sell out within a few days. What’s the bargain price again, Stacia? $450? No, that’s outrageous. Charge $600 at least.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Okay, what else can we do. Stacia, you’re one of the Gen Z, aren’t you? How old are you again? You know what they like.”
“I’m actually 37, but if we considered that the average income of Canadian part-time workers is about $1,544 a month, and that a gross income before living expenses, we may wish to find a more realistic price—”
“Oh, I’ve got it! College kids hate skinny jeans now, apparently. That’s a real problem for us knowing how cheap that fabric is and how quickly people have to buy new pairs as they keep falling apart. Why don’t we start selling them ironically, like an ugly t-shirt that becomes cool, and bribe a bunch of TikTok teens to wear them as a Y2K throwback while they dance to the hits of Taio Cruz? That’s $300 at least. Would writing ‘Beedie’ on the bum be too Juicy Couture 2003? Wait, that’s actually brilliant.”
“Writing this down now, ma’am.”
“I hope you’re getting this down, Stacia. I’m not going to remember this on my own. I also haven’t touched a keyboard since 1992 and I don’t intend on starting now.”
“Yes, writing this down now, ma’am.”
“Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what we throw in that catalogue. Those snobbish clowns will print whatever the hell we decide in their Spring issue like we invented the unpaid internship. Also, if you tell anyone about this, you’ll never work in this industry again. Okay, bye, Stacia!”
