By: Terrence Rivers, SFU Student

Yet another Port Coquitlam resident has been caught lying about their sordid roots, witnesses report. Summer Bowers, 23, has told at least 200 different people by now that she lives in Vancouver, BC, despite having spent her whole life in PoCo.

“I just love hanging out by the waterfront,” Bowers was overheard telling people at a house party on March 7. She failed to clarify that “waterfront” referred to the puddle of dirty water that sometimes forms outside Golds Gym Port Coquitlam. This puddle typically appears under two circumstances: when it rains, or when gym-goers cry after realizing they need to cancel their memberships because their ex from three years ago goes to Golds now, too.

It’s “too confusing” to explain to people where she’s really from, Bowers tells The Peak. 

“I mean, saying ‘Vancouver’ just helps people at SFU mentally locate you,” she explains. Bowers is in her fourth year studying geography and sociology.

“Sure, I could say something like, ‘Vancouver, but then you SkyTrain to a party you were never actually invited to . . . then you spend the night pretending like you never wanted to come in the first place . . . after that you let your taxi driver carry you back to your basement suite 40 minutes away, locating your territory based on how much you smell like a blitzed cow . . . turn right and then you’re at your destination.’ But that’s messy, and it doesn’t get you invited to the good raves.”

Many of Bowers’ friends follow her example in lying about their hometown, for a variety of reasons. While some have cited reasons like “dodging regional and class discrimination in the job market” and “building a recognizable brand,” the biggest common factor has been that people simply hate living in Port Coquitlam and can’t wait to leave, so much so that they won’t even wait until they actually leave. 

Bowers’s tequila buddy, Jet Daniels, concluded that he liked to draw heavily on social constructionism in his daily life. 

“My blog bio says I’m a Vancouver-based artist, and I’m, like, super social — at least in theory. So together my fans construct the reality that I live somewhere that isn’t 30 meters away from the Pickton Farm land,” said Daniels. 

“You’re a college paper, right? Maybe you should go to school, that way you’d know this.”