Written by Meera Eragoda, Staff Writer

In a move to facilitate easy fundraising, SFU has decided to turn Robert C. Brown Hall (RCB) into a year-round haunted house. After much discussion on where to hold their new money-making attraction, SFU decided it would be most cost-effective to use RCB because “it’s basically already a haunted house,” according to one SFU spokesperson.

All those who dare to enter will face some of the following scares:

• Zombified students who, in previous semesters, took a wrong turn and were lost to the caverns of SFU. (And there are many turns to RCB.)
• Ghosts of graduates who have sold their souls in order to afford living in a city with increasing housing costs.
• Kettlebells precariously hung from the ceilings, symbolizing the impending weight of tuition costs.
• The darkness of existential doom lurking at every turn to make you question your worth.
• The monotone voices of professors droning on and on and on and on, lulling you to sleep to be savaged by the other attractions, while you try and stay awake enough to make it out.

The decision has garnered much excitement around campus.

We asked a third-year student, Charlie Wolf, what they thought of the haunted house. They responded, “Honestly, this makes sense. My friend had a class in RCB last semester, and I haven’t seen him since. Maybe I’ll run into him today.”

SFU opened the RCB Haunted House attraction to the public for the first time on Tuesday, January 14, with more dates planned for February.  The Peak is not actually sure what SFU was fundraising for, and the school has declined to answer this question. We were, however, assured that their cause was “engaging” and “totally something good.”

For a special bonus scare, the January 14 opening included the chance of being stranded because of the snow, never getting off the mountain again, and turning into Jack Torrance from The Shining.