By: Eva Zhu
Vancouver is Canada’s shitty version of Los Angeles, just without the job opportunities, concerts, or sunlight. You might ask, “How is this bland ass city similar then?” Well, do I have a disappointing answer for you! It’s the overwhelming popularity of healthy food that will bankrupt you. We already have quinoa sushi (I can’t believe it either) and vegan restaurants on every block; why not add even more ridiculously healthy foods to the roster? Here are a list of dishes that could very well be served at some obscure healthy eatery.
- Guacamole-filled avocados
It’s like a devilled egg, but more expensive, and it does not come with tortilla chips, sorry. Restaurants can now charge you your firstborn child for $4 worth of what you’d get if an alligator fucked a pear.
- Kale Frappuccinos
If there’s one thing Vancouverites like more than avocado everything, it’s Starbucks (and smoking enough weed at Sunset Beach to cost the city $245,000). There will always be someone telling you how healthy they’re being, then buying a Venti Ultra Caramel Frappuccino an hour later. However, by adding kale to those frappuccinos, you can use the pretense of eating a “superfood” to avoid feeling bad about consuming 70 grams of sugar in one sitting!
- Quinoa-shelled tacos
You’re probably thinking, “But how will I pick my tacos up if they’re made with healthier rice?” I can guarantee you that the creators of this monstrosity didn’t think it through either. They’re most likely drooling over how much money they can make off of the “I’ll eat anything with quinoa!” people. Fuck everyone else and their convenience, am I right?
- Smoked Salmon Poutine
I know that poutine isn’t healthy at all, but hear me out. What if we bake the fries, remove the cheese, replace the gravy with a dollop of low fat sour cream, and add slices of smoked salmon? “It’s no longer poutine,” you say? I guess it’ll be renamed “A Disgrace to Patriotic Canadians Everywhere.”
- Nothing
You knows what’s healthier than eating food? Not eating food. Some stoner who runs a hip new cafe will add this as a menu item, and charge you $20 for it. They’ll earn a profit, and you’ll still be a gullible fool.
