1) Denial and Isolation: Hmmm, your phone’s usually in the left pocket. Maybe it’s in the right one? Nope, not there either. You might’ve accidentally put it in your back pocket before rushing to the bathroom. Not in that one either? Better check the front ones again, just to be safe.

2) Anger: Good lord, how did people shit before they had cell phones? What are you supposed to do without Candy Crush? The bathroom’s also where you get most of your texting done. Literally anything could be going on in the outside world and you would have no idea. What if a high-profile celebrity just died? Twitter’s probably exploding with tweets about Cher dying and you’ll get back from the bathroom and someone will ask, “Hey, did you hear Cher died?” And you’ll lie and say, “Of course I knew!” But you didn’t. All because you were stupid enough to not bring your goddamn phone with you to the bathroom.

3) Bargaining: Okay, this isn’t so bad. This must be what that Jezebel article was talking about, getting away from technology and just being left with your thoughts. Maybe this might be the best thing that ever happened to you. Just pass the time reading some bathroom graffiti and it’ll be over before you know it . . . Geez, people love drawing dicks on bathroom stalls. I’ll just count the floor tiles instead.

4) Depression: You’re going to die here. You’re going to die in this stall, with your pants around your ankles, insufferably bored out of your mind. What’s the point of even going to the bathroom if you don’t have something to do while you’re there? At least in heaven, every bathroom stall will probably come with its own iPad or Wii or something.

5) Acceptance: It’s over. It is done. Your morning bowl of Raisin Bran or afternoon roasted butternut squash has been successfully purged from your body and you’re ready to take on the rest of the day. It was kind of nice being away from your phone for a little bit. Maybe you should start leaving it at home sometimes, just to take a break from it all. You’d probably save a bunch of data. Maybe you’ll even be a bit more social . . . Ah, fuck it. Better see what Snoop Dogg’s up to on Instagram right now.