Despite routinely displaying his role as a trained and trusted FBI: Female Body Inspector, a 13-year old operative is reportedly working undercover at tonight’s dinner — you know, because grandma’s coming.
Justin Wilderman, who’s been an FBI for almost three weeks now and has proudly let the world know it by wearing his standard issue T-shirt everywhere, from the grocery store to the movie theatre and even the classroom, is now being called to work in secret for the first time.
According to reports, his mother, Mrs. Wilderman, feels that tonight’s birthday dinner for her uncle Richard is “too important” for her son to be out in the open in his uniform.
“I don’t really get it, but usually I don’t mind too much,” Mrs. Wilderman explained, speaking about her son’s career choice. “All the relatives will be here tonight though and I’m just not sure if they’ll approve [of Justin’s career choice].”
She continued to say that it would be best if Justin went undercover and put on that blue sweater that his grandmother had bought him to cover up his FBI shirt.
However, Justin has made it clear that even if his uniform isn’t visible, he will continue to uphold the responsibilities that come with wearing it.
“This isn’t just a T-shirt to me, I don’t treat it as some sort of novelty or hilarious joke,” Justin told The Peak. “I took a solemn oath when my brother Terry gave it to me to make sure no female bodies went uninspected and I haven’t let him down yet.”
Despite whatever preconceived notions people might have about wearing an FBI: Female Body Inspector shirt, Justin says it is in no way a pile of laughs — it is actually a serious responsibility.
“A lot of people think [this job] means that I just stare at attractive women on the street and look at their boobs or whatever,” Justin explained while putting on the blue sweater-disguise. “No, I have to inspect ALL female bodies, not just hotties.
“The elderly grocery store clerk, the overweight janitor at the movie theatre [. . .] any female animals,” Justin listed endlessly. “Do you know how many of the squirrels you see around are ladies? Turns out it’s a lot of them!”
Justin further explained that he doesn’t just inspect uniquely female parts either but that he has to take note of every aspect of their body, from their armpits to how many moles they have.
“The entire process can take anywhere from 10 minutes to a half-hour per female. If I leave the house, I normally end up working at least a 10-hour day. That’s why I like to have the shirt, so people know what I’m up to.”
All of these reasons will make working undercover very difficult for Justin.
“There are a lot of women in my family and now I’m going to have to do my inspections without them knowing I’m a professional,” he said, shaking his head. “I hope grandma doesn’t think I’m just leering at her, I have to do my job!”
Although Justin says that he is fully committed to being an FBI and wouldn’t give up his duties for the world, he admits he sometimes wishes he had gone in a different direction in life and become an arbiter of “Who farted?” like his brother originally offered him.
“That would’ve been a lot easier, it’s always uncle Richard,” he said, cringing at the thought of having to inspect his Aunt Cheryl’s psoriasis patch later tonight. “I guess I just didn’t think this career through enough.”
At press time, Grandma Wilderman had arrived at the door and was delighted to see that Justin was wearing the sweater she had bought him. No word yet on how Justin reacted to what she was wearing, but indications that she wore a dress suggest he wasn’t altogether thrilled.
