YE OLD BURNABY — A local woman accused of witchcrafting around campus has reportedly announced that she deserves a thorough, detailed and fair burning before being denounced as a witch.

The woman, a third year alchemy student at Ye Old Simon Fraser University, was accused of first-degree dark magic after she was discovered with a broomstick in her quarters but is now claiming she is entitled to a civil and lawful public third-degree burning.

“I know I’m not a witch and I’m willing to go to the stake to prove it,” the alleged witch told Ye Old Peak last week. “When I’m unable to use magic and burn up and die everyone will see that I was innocent the whole time!”

While others have even gone as far as to say that the woman deserves a fair trial, similar to what those witches got in Salem except fair, since objectivity in newspapers doesn’t exist yet I’m just going to say that she is definitely a witch and should be killed.

I mean she did have a broom, I can’t see any reason why a woman who’s not a witch would ever have one of those!

Originally printed in the Peak’s Humourous Section in 1692.