WASHINGTON — After watching Space Jam with his daughters Malia and Sasha over this past weekend, President Barack Obama made a public challenge to the Assad regime: a game basketball to decide the fate of Syria.
The stakes will be high; with a win the Assad regime would be given back full-autonomous control of the country, while a loss would mandate a final surrender of their sovereignty rights.
“I think this is a marvellous opportunity for us to put this matter to bed once and for all,” explained Obama in response to the American populace who found his urge to strike the Assad regime militarily to be “too costly, too violent, and too time-consuming.”
According to Obama, the basketball game offers a cheaper, faster, and hopefully less violent resolution. The match would be played in the Syrian capital capital of Damascus and would be between the best players from the United States Congress and the Syrian Leadership.
When asked about the United States’ chances of winning, Obama noted “If Bin Laden is any indication of the average height of the radical middle-eastern leadership then I think we may have some trouble in the paint, but if we focus on solid defensive fundamentals, I think we can pull this off.”
While Obama has not yet selected his roster, sources close to the White House say VP Joe Biden has been trying to impress the president recently by tossing paper balls into trash cans in the oval office. Unfortunately, Biden was effectively humiliated thought, when Obama asked him to jump over said trash can.
President Obama’s public challenge didn’t come without some competitive taunting, however, mentioning in his speech. “It’s time for us to settle this like men. By trying to put a ball through a hoop more times than the opposing team . . . unless of course, you’re scared . . .”
