Go back

Obama challenges Assad to game of basketball for control of Syria

Humour
EIC
EIC
1 min.
0
1374

Obama_Assad

WASHINGTON — After watching Space Jam with his daughters Malia and Sasha over this past weekend, President Barack Obama made a public challenge to the Assad regime: a game basketball to decide the fate of Syria.

The stakes will be high; with a win the Assad regime would be given back full-autonomous control of the country, while a loss would mandate a final surrender of their sovereignty rights.

“I think this is a marvellous opportunity for us to put this matter to bed once and for all,” explained Obama in response to the American populace who found his urge to strike the Assad regime militarily to be “too costly, too violent, and too time-consuming.”

According to Obama, the basketball game offers a cheaper, faster, and hopefully less violent resolution. The match would be played in the Syrian capital capital of Damascus and would be between the best players from the United States Congress and the Syrian Leadership.

When asked about the United States’ chances of winning, Obama noted “If Bin Laden is any indication of the average height of the radical middle-eastern leadership then I think we may have some trouble in the paint, but if we focus on solid defensive fundamentals, I think we can pull this off.”

While Obama has not yet selected his roster, sources close to the White House say VP Joe Biden has been trying to impress the president recently by tossing paper balls into trash cans in the oval office. Unfortunately, Biden was effectively humiliated thought, when Obama asked him to jump over said trash can.

President Obama’s public challenge didn’t come without some competitive taunting, however, mentioning in his speech. “It’s time for us to settle this like men. By trying to put a ball through a hoop more times than the opposing team . . . unless of course, you’re scared . . .”

Was this article helpful?
0
0

Leave a Reply

Block title

New immunotherapy treatment provides hope for aggressive cancer

News Peak Web -
By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer Surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation therapy are often recognized as the three most common forms of cancer treatment. Sometimes, the latter two approaches become no longer effective when cancers become drug resistant, allowing the cells to further spread. At the University of Calgary, however, promising developments in immunotherapy intervention seek to provide alternative treatment when common therapies are not viable.  Cells continually divide to replenish dying cells, but certain gene mutations can create cancer cells, which divide and spread in an uncontrolled manner. The human body naturally defends itself from cancerous cells, though sometimes they can “hide from the immune system and avoid being destroyed,” according to the Canadian Cancer Society. Immunotherapy seeks to help strengthen the ability to recognize and fight...

Read Next

Block title

New immunotherapy treatment provides hope for aggressive cancer

News Peak Web -
By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer Surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation therapy are often recognized as the three most common forms of cancer treatment. Sometimes, the latter two approaches become no longer effective when cancers become drug resistant, allowing the cells to further spread. At the University of Calgary, however, promising developments in immunotherapy intervention seek to provide alternative treatment when common therapies are not viable.  Cells continually divide to replenish dying cells, but certain gene mutations can create cancer cells, which divide and spread in an uncontrolled manner. The human body naturally defends itself from cancerous cells, though sometimes they can “hide from the immune system and avoid being destroyed,” according to the Canadian Cancer Society. Immunotherapy seeks to help strengthen the ability to recognize and fight...

Block title

New immunotherapy treatment provides hope for aggressive cancer

News Peak Web -
By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer Surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation therapy are often recognized as the three most common forms of cancer treatment. Sometimes, the latter two approaches become no longer effective when cancers become drug resistant, allowing the cells to further spread. At the University of Calgary, however, promising developments in immunotherapy intervention seek to provide alternative treatment when common therapies are not viable.  Cells continually divide to replenish dying cells, but certain gene mutations can create cancer cells, which divide and spread in an uncontrolled manner. The human body naturally defends itself from cancerous cells, though sometimes they can “hide from the immune system and avoid being destroyed,” according to the Canadian Cancer Society. Immunotherapy seeks to help strengthen the ability to recognize and fight...

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society