An open letter to “bros”

I’m writing this to all the “bros” out there who don’t understand why the UBC Frosh chant was so horrific. Bringing up rape culture clearly makes some of us upset. Every time something like the UBC frosh chant is exposed, the bro-militia rolls out to offer their ill-informed opinions. I don’t just mean hate speech, I also mean comments like, “I know rape is bad, but people are making way too big of a deal out of the chant.”

I used to be a “bro,” too: I used to laugh at rape jokes, I used to sexualize women to their faces, I even once said oppressive things about a women’s group that I felt was threatening my privilege. But now I’m here to tell you to shut up.

The Frosh chant was a manifestation of rape culture and it perpetuated rape. Period. I’m not going to explain why the chant is so wrong to you, I shouldn’t have to. There’s already so much information about why it is so wrong, but you probably choose to ignore it. You are probably not interested in the facts; you choose to deny the evidence because you don’t want to claim responsibility for yourself.

Rapists aren’t bogeymen hiding in bushes — they’re family members, teachers, friends, and lovers. People who rape are just like you and I, and if one in three women has experienced sexual violence, then I guarantee you it’s likely you have shook hands with someone who has committed sexual assault.

Maybe, as a “bro,” you’ve participated in something like the Frosh chant, made rape jokes, or used derogatory language to talk about women, or perhaps you’ve even committed an act of sexual violence. When we defend activities like the recently exposed Frosh chant, we contribute to a culture that normalizes rape, trivializes the act, and blames the victim. But I bet you hadn’t thought of that.

You choose to deny the evidence because you don’t want to claim responsibility.

When a woman approaches you on the street, I can bet it is not her intentions or your safety that you think about. You don’t know how women experience the world — probably because many of them don’t feel comfortable telling you — and you’ve never even thought to ask. While you’re using your big words to defend violence, you don’t know anything about what it’s like to be half of the population, you only know what it’s like to be a bro.

The fact that you feel the need to defend rape culture makes me feel sorry for you, because perhaps it is your insecurity and self-doubt that make you say such things when confronted about them. It’s unfortunate that society puts such unrealistic expectations on masculinity and teaches us to be violent. It’s unfortunate that many of us never had a proper male role model.

Men need feminism too, but you probably don’t know what I mean by that. Being a feminist man isn’t about brownie points, it’s about being a decent human being, learning about yourself, and treating women like human beings and not objects.

Your emotions are your responsibility, so the next time you get that squirmy, slimy feeling inside when you find yourself confronted by something like a critique of the UBC Frosh chant, do not use your oppressive voice to state your oppressive opinion. All opinions are not made equal, and yours is not only wrong, but it’s offensive, hurtful, and ignorant — as ignorant as one is when one is not the victim.

You have no right to an audience for your excuses, your trivializing remarks, your statements made in defense, your offensive commentary, your claims of injustice, or your hate speech. Instead of having a temper tantrum, allow yourself to feel the shame you feel in that moment. Trust me, it’s good for you; you’ll not only grow from it but you will also spare making a complete fool out of yourself.