Aries (March 21 – April 20)
Avoid looking a gift horse in the mouth this week, as horses’ mouths are pretty gross.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
Look, it’s not Taurus’s fault that buying those lottery tickets didn’t pan out. Besides, there’s no legal definition of “sure thing.”

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
A horoscope in Haiku: Waning moon in your sign/ You must be patient/ I’m not entirely sure what a haiku is.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
There’ll be some unexpected money in your future, most of it is change being thrown at you by passing motorists, but, hey, there are some nickels in here!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Drink more Ovaltine. This horoscope brought to you by Ovaltine.

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)
They say you should dance like no one’s watching, but they’re always watching. Watching, learning, replacing.

Libra (September 24 – October 23)
Mercury is rising in your sign this week, so needless to say, have your bathtub filled with castor oil and make sure all your electronic devices are unplugged.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)
Looks like Venus isn’t the only thing spiraling out of control and about to crash into the earth this week, if you catch my drift.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)
It’s finally time to let go of all that anger and bury the hatchet — into that motherfucker’s skull.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
This week you die in a horrific plane crash. Woops, that’s next, next week’s horoscope. This week expect something nice in the mail.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
Resist the romantic advances of your subordinates at work. Know that all they’re really interested in are the keys that unlock their tiny cages.

Pieces (February 20 – March 20)
You’ll need to walk on eggshells this week, as tempers will run hot this week at home. Particularly on the matter of ”Who the hell let all these chickens into the apartment?”